Do you wonder if you are easy to manipulate?
Think about this: have you ever felt that heavy, suffocating guilt after dealing with a narcissist?
You’re not alone. Picture this: you’re wrapped in a tight embrace by that charming manipulator, and suddenly, guilt creeps in like an uninvited guest. You start questioning your own feelings, thinking, “Am I overreacting? Maybe it’s my fault.”
But hey, hold on! We’re diving into how narcissists twist your emotions to make you feel guilty, and guess what? You’re not crazy if you’ve ever accepted guilt that isn’t yours to own.
Are you ready to break free from that guilt trap? Let’s embark on this eye-opening journey together.
Be sure to check out our podcasts at https://www.youtube.com/@iamlillyiamstrong-xy7hs
It was Ridiculously Easy to Manipulate Me
When I was pregnant with my third and last child, I was over the moon with happiness. After having past difficulties, this pregnancy was easy, and I was feeling great. However, I was met with some unexpected news at a routine obstetrician appointment.
“You have gonorrhea.” My doctor stated in that sharp, no-holds-barred kind of way that doctors talk in.
The blood drained out of my face at the same time I felt my stomach metaphorically drop to the ground.
“Gonorrhea? Like a sexually transmitted disease?” I asked feebly.
The Inability to See The Forest For the Trees
She nodded her head. “Have you had sexual relations with anyone other than your husband?” This question was light and gentle. There was no judgment, only concern.
“No,” I whispered.
The doctor let my answer hang in the quiet air for a moment. Then she put a hand on my shoulder and added, “Then he has.”
Not to be dramatic, but my world momentarily spiraled around, and I nearly passed out.
What?!
“Umm,” I stammered. “I don’t think he has.”
I saw the compassion in her eyes. She knew the truth. And she knew that I was denying it.
But how could it possibly be true?
What Was My Narcissist’s Reaction? An Explosion!
Timidly, I shared the dreadful news with my husband later that evening.
He exploded with anger and accused me of cheating on him! For hours, we talked, argued, cried, and commiserated together. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. This confrontation drained me.
Manipulate by Flipping it Upside Down
This was not the first time my husband had accused me of cheating on him during our marriage. Each incident left me reeling with uncertainty.
All I could think was, “Why doesn’t my husband believe me? What am I doing wrong? Why am I a failure of a wife?”
I didn’t realize that he was projecting his own feelings of guilt on me (I later discovered he cheated on me many times). All I saw was the facade of hurt he played up—his wounded pride, his hurt, his feelings of betrayal. He turned in a performance worthy of an Oscar…and I believed it.
To Manipulate A Way Out!
Of course, he couldn’t have cheated on me, I convinced myself. No cheater could be so devasted. (Insert a massive eye-roll here.)
So, I knew that I had never cheated on him. And I was convinced that he had not cheated on me. Where did that leave us?
The next day, my husband came to me full of smiles, love, and tenderness. “I think I figured out how we could have caught gonorrhea.” He laid out a scenario involving wicked people, hot tubs, and unrealistic happenings.
But I accepted it! Hook, line, and sinker.
Even the Relief Was A Manipulation
And what made the situation worse was that I felt a sense of relief and gratitude towards my narcissist! He was taking away my unjustified feelings of guilt, so I felt grateful. I was thankful that he believed that I hadn’t cheated on him.
I even vowed to do a better job of intentionally showing how devoted a wife I was.
Is that twisted? YES! But that’s precisely what manipulation does: it pushes the victim into a specific way of thinking or acting that the abuser dictates.
Why Was I So Easy to Manipulate?
Looking back, I see why I was so easy to manipulate. You see, my narcissist was using weapons in his arsenal that I wouldn’t dream even existed.
I believe people are inherently good. The very idea of manipulation in a relationship as sacred as marriage was something I couldn’t fathom. I thought we were operating on an even playing field, that we were equal and honest partners.
I was misled.
My narcissist only cared about himself and his needs. He would throw me under the bus without hesitation if it meant he could feel just a little better about himself.
What is the Driving Force for a Narcissist to Manipulate Others?
There are many reasons why a narcissist uses manipulation. And no matter what they may say to the contrary, there is never a good reason to manipulate. It is simply a way to gain and maintain power and influence in relationships and situations.
Manipulate Because of the Need for Control
Narcissists often have a deep need for control and dominance over others.
Quite often, narcissists are also very skilled liars, sometimes even pathological. This creates a need for the perpetrator to grab the reins of control so they can control the narrative to conceal their ever-widening pool of lies.
Once I began to question my narcissist’s past lies, he would dig in his heels and tighten his control over me like an overzealous helicopter parent. He didn’t want to take a chance on me figuring out the truth obscured under his mountain of lies.
Need for Admiration
They crave constant admiration and validation. Manipulating others can elicit praise, compliments, and attention, which feeds their egos.
I once asked my ex-husband why it seemed like we were part of some crazy experiment on how to live off the grid as much as possible. He regulated my use of social media and refused to have his picture on it; he tried to keep our names private and wouldn’t open credit or do anything that could put us on the government’s radar.
There was evident, great satisfaction in his ability to live like this. He acted like he was a genius who had hacked the code to easy living.
He congratulated himself on getting the most out of every situation while my children and I didn’t get our basic needs met. In fact, we were criticized for not appreciating him more for his brilliance.
Insecurity Leads to Manipulation
Paradoxically, narcissists often have deep-seated insecurities. Manipulating others helps them mask their vulnerabilities and maintain a facade of confidence and superiority.
Fear of Abandonment
Narcissists may have an intense fear of abandonment and rejection. Manipulation can be a way to keep people close and prevent them from leaving.
Whenever I suspected my husband of lying or being unfaithful in any way, he would also lash out like a snake. He would cry about being neglected as a child and accuse me of making that fear of abandonment worse because I was such a cruel person.
He used manipulation as a way to control my feelings and actions, as seen by the STD situation. Even though I had no doubt that I was innocent, he somehow pulled my puppet strings to make me feel at fault.
Entitlement
They often have a strong sense of entitlement, believing others should cater to their needs and desires.
In my case, my husband thought it was his ‘right’ to get sexual fulfillment from anywhere and was actually angry with me and my doctor for calling out his behavior.
He felt he had the right to get the most out of every situation just because he was…well, himself.
Lack of Empathy
Many narcissists lack empathy and have difficulty understanding or caring for the feelings of others. This allows them to use manipulation without guilt or remorse.
This was my greatest downfall. I simply can’t imagine not having empathy. I naturally think of others and their point of view. So, I failed to recognize that not all people are like that.
It’s a different way of thinking that is beyond my understanding, turning a personal strength into a point of vulnerability.
Maintaining a False Self-Image
Narcissists typically have a carefully crafted self-image that they want to preserve at all costs. Manipulation helps them uphold this idealized self-image.
This includes accepting credit for all your wins in life. My ex considered us to be a team whenever it meant he could take credit for anything good that I was doing, but then quickly would turn it around to place himself far above me.
Manipulation and Competitiveness
They often view relationships and interactions as competitions, and manipulation is a tool to gain an advantage and “win” in these interactions.
Again, a narcissist will take credit for anything good you accomplish. Then, on the flip side, they will always try to push you down so that they look superior. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with the score.
Short-Term Gains VS Longevity
A narcissist is only concerned with coming out on top of every situation, whether that win is real or just imagined. Short-term benefits are prioritized, even if they harm a long-term relationship.
If my husband had come clean and admitted to me that he had cheated, he might have had a chance at salvaging our relationship. But instead, he chose to make me feel guilty for his misdeeds. This all returned to haunt us years later when the truth was finally revealed. It’s like a carefully constructed house made of toothpicks but no glue. Eventually, it’s all going to fall down.
Instead of trying to boost our relationship together, he allowed his need for control and admiration, his lack of empathy, sense of entitlement, and fear of abandonment to run roughshod over me like a runaway mining car.
What Does Manipulation Look Like?
When you’re caught in the web of narcissistic abuse, it feels like you’re constantly walking through a fog. You start doubting every little thing about yourself because the person who’s supposed to care about you is actually playing mind games.
It’s like one day, they’re your biggest fan, making you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. But then, out of nowhere, they flip the script.
Suddenly, you can’t do anything right, and every word out of their mouth seems designed to tear you down. This rollercoaster is exhausting. It messes with your head, making you cling to those rare good moments, hoping things will go back to how they were in the beginning.
Manipulation through gaslighting is a real mind trip.
Imagine questioning your own memory or sanity because they’re that good at twisting the truth. It’s like living in a parallel universe where up is down and left is right. You find yourself apologizing for things you didn’t do just to keep the peace.
It’s a lonely place to be, feeling like you’re the crazy one, isolated from what’s real and what’s not. This constant push and pull shreds your self-confidence to bits. You end up feeling stuck, craving their approval and love, even though it’s all just a game to them. It’s a tough spot, feeling trapped in a cycle that keeps spinning you around, wondering how you even got here.
Is a Manipulator Remorseful?
You won’t ever find a satisfactory answer. My abuser has apologized many times, but even his apologies were a form of manipulation:
“I’m sorry you got hurt over that.”
“I’m sorry you are so sensitive.”
“I only lied to protect you. I will always protect you, no matter what.”
These ‘apologies’ do not show remorse, nor are they helpful. Sadly, this is consistent with a narcissist; they manipulate, then try to manipulate their way out of being held responsible.
It’s taken me some time (and lots of therapy) to come to understand that a narcissist simply doesn’t think the same way I do. They only think about themselves: What can make them look better, what can make them feel happy, what can make them look important?
So, the only genuine remorse they feel is that they have lost the person who makes them feel better about themselves; not because they were awful to you.
Take Action
It’s important to point out that not all people who manipulate are narcissists. However, manipulation should never be a part of healthy relationships.
Understanding the underlying reasons for manipulating can help victims recognize and protect themselves from narcissistic manipulation. If you find yourself dealing with a narcissist, it’s essential to establish boundaries, seek support, and consider professional help.
The first step is to stop the narcissist from manipulating your life. Take action today to begin healing from the manipulation of living in a narcissist’s shadow.
Watch for the next article in this series coming soon: The Vulnerable Prey: Low Self-Esteem and the Narcissist’s Trap
To get caught up, start from the beginning: Are You A Magnet For Narcissists?
For uplighting weekly messages, check out Lilly’s 3 O’Clock Wednesdays here.
Be sure to also watch our pod cast at https://www.youtube.com/@iamlillyiamstrong-xy7hs
