Have you ever heard of “The Ultimate Club Sandwich Generation”? Are you one of the many who feel its weight daily?
I wish I could say the Ultimate Club Sandwich Generation was just about bread and cold cuts, but it has a far deeper meaning that reaches out and squeezes your soul with a cold vise of unwanted pressure.
This is a subject I shared on a recent YouTube podcast, and I wanted to expand it on my blog today.
Lilly’s Anti-Depressant Life Podcast was created to share some of my experiences battling depression – the good, the bad, and the sometimes bizarre. My goal is for this to be a safe place to discuss the hard stuff. Only people who have experienced depression understand depression, and as a unique community, we need to embrace and lift each other up.
Today, I want to focus on a particular group called the sandwich generation and the unique depression that can come with it.
The Sandwich Generation
Last week, I heard an actress on a talk show complaining about having to drive herself to her latest movie set because she was not provided with a driver. She actually complained that it was unfair treatment. And I was thinking, wow, if my biggest complaint in the world were that I had to drive myself to work, I’d be in a pretty good spot, right?
But that is nothing like how the real world works for most of us.
Imagine being an acrobat in the world’s most demanding circus, juggling not tennis balls but generations.
Welcome to the tightrope walk of the sandwich generation, where every day is a performance that deserves a standing ovation, but we usually don’t get a single clap, much less a personal driver.
The “sandwich generation” refers to adults caring for their aging parents and supporting their children simultaneously.
Different Generations
I distinctly remember when my mother was in the middle of the sandwich. She would take my siblings and me around town to our different activities, and then we’d stop by to visit my grandmother, who was living in a retirement home.
As a kid, I would sometimes get annoyed that I had to stop to visit grandma, too, because I was exhausted from the rowdy Girl Scout meeting I had just left and wanted Mom to drop me off at home first. But my mom explained, with great patience, that we were driving right by grandma’s, and it would be a waste of time to drive me to our house and then come back.
More importantly, it made Grandma happy to see me, even if it was only for a few minutes.
It made sense, but I still was caught up in my child’s world of selfishness.
But even through the haze of kid narcissism, I remember my mom always being patient with me. She never got upset or impatient with my impatience. Instead, she just plugged along and did what needed to be done.
She never seemed annoyed with my grandma, either, even when Grandma got more and more challenging to be around. My mom just… treated her right.
And then, she would go home and make dinner for our family so we could all eat together around the kitchen table.
She made it all seem so easy. So natural. So….not filled with depression.
The Club Sandwich Generation
Now, as I find myself stuck in the middle of the sandwich, I look back on what a superhero my mom was and wonder why I struggle so much more than she ever seemed to.
She always did the right thing. She was able to take care of everybody and everything without losing her mind. I never saw the slightest hint she battled depression.
Which begs the question: What’s wrong with me?
Well, for those battling with depression, let me tell you: there isn’t anything “wrong” with us. Everybody struggles with their own burdens. Okay? There is nothing “wrong” with us.
An Iceberg
I shouldn’t compare myself to my mom because it’s not realistic to ever compare ourselves with another person.
This is true because:
- We don’t see the whole picture. It’s like an iceberg; you only see the tip jutting out of the ocean surface while the rest of the iceberg could extend downwards for miles. Thick chunks of jagged ice that you just might not be aware of.
- No two situations are ever identical. Seriously, you could take identical twins, have them marry another set of identical twins, and throw them into the same situation, and they would each respond differently. We are unique individuals and won’t ever react the same as someone else, not even as our own parents.
It’s possible that my mom DID suffer from depression, but she hid it from me. I wish I could ask her about it, but she is too deep into dementia to have that conversation now. Instead, I need to be content with knowing my experience is different from hers and not fixate on what I perceive as a failure on my part.
A New Era
My beautiful mother now lies in a bed receiving Hospice care. She barely eats, talks, and can’t even sit up alone.
It is devastating.
I don’t have the same grace and strength that she showed years ago when she was stuck in the middle of the sandwich.
And I ask myself again, what is wrong with me? But remember! The answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong with me.
Not only do we all experience situations differently, but we also handle situations differently. Nothing requires me to handle my sandwich with the same poise and elegance as my mother. I’m not getting graded on how I handle my life. Nothing will be going on my “permanent record.”
Everybody feels each situation uniquely, and so we all react differently.
In addition to those two truths, I have a new revelation. I am not part of the same sandwich generation that my mother experienced. I am part of something new and different: the Ultimate Club Sandwich generation.
Ultimate Club Sandwich Generation
Picture this high-wire act: every day, I live my life on a tightrope, balancing precariously between the needs of my aging parents and my growing children. As a member of the sandwich generation, my world is a constant tightrope walk of love, duty, and resilience.
But there is a difference between a regular sandwich and a club sandwich. A club sandwich has a bit more “extra” involved.
The differences lie mainly in their structure and specific ingredients:
- Structure and Layers:
- Regular Sandwich: Typically consists of two slices of bread with some sort of fillings such as PB &J, meat, cheese, vegetables, and condiments.
- Club Sandwich: Traditionally, club sandwiches are made with three slices of bread, layered and often cut into quarters, held together with cute little toothpicks. (My favorite is when the toothpicks have a colored plume on the end. I’m all about little bits of whimsy.) The ingredients run the gamut from meat to veggies to sauces, and the more, the better! These sandwiches are sometimes piled higher than what will fit in my mouth.
So, a club sandwich consists of a layer of bread, then stuff, then another layer of bread, then more stuff, and finally, the final slice of bread.
It’s like my parents are one end of the sandwich, then there is a bunch of filling stuff, then there is me—the middle layer—and a bunch more stuff that is oozing out of the squished concoction, and then the final layer is my children and their different sets of challenges.
Simply stated, this is a challenging role.
A Tightrope Walk for the Club Sandwich Generation
Each day, I walk this metaphorical tightrope, balancing the demands of two generations who depend on me. This balancing act isn’t just a figure of speech; it’s my daily reality, and it significantly affects my well-being.
And each day, I get squeezed tighter and tighter in the middle.
Mentally, the toll is challenging. The constant worry for my parents’ health, combined with the desire to be a supportive and effective parent to my children, keeps me in a perpetual state of high alert.
This relentless stress has led to moments of anxiety and feelings of burnout. The emotional labor of managing my parents’ and children’s needs and expectations is immense and usually goes unrecognized.
This is not a good situation for a person already battling depression.
Added Challenges Create a Perfect Storm
This club sandwich generation’s experience is evolving due to various social, health, and demographic factors. The result is higher stress and burnout. Some reasons are:
Longer Life Expectancy
- While caring for elderly parents has always been part of the sandwich generation’s responsibilities, previous generations’ shorter life expectancies might have reduced the duration of care.
- With advances in healthcare leading to longer life spans, we find ourselves caring for elderly parents for a longer period. This extended care can impact your financial, emotional, and physical well-being, potentially over many years.
The Ultimate Club Sandwich Generation Has Seen a Significant Increase in Special Needs Children
- Our Generation has a greater prevalence of children diagnosed and identified with special needs. This requires additional care, resources, and attention, further stretching the responsibilities and resources of the sandwich generation. For further study, check out the CDC website.
More Autoimmune Diseases in the Club Sandwich Generation
- Our generation has also observed an increase in autoimmune diseases in both children and adults. Managing these chronic conditions requires time, medical attention, and financial resources, adding to the burden of the middle generation.
Later Onset of Parenthood
- In previous generations, people tended to have children at a younger age, which often meant that by the time they were caring for elderly parents, their children were more independent.
- Nowadays, women tend to wait a bit later for motherhood in favor of strengthening their career goals. Some studies say the average age at which to have a first child is now 30.
Economic Factors
- Our Ultimate Club Sandwich Generation might also face unique economic pressures, such as higher costs of living and education, potentially slower wage growth, and concerns about job security in a rapidly changing job market. These factors can compound the stress of being in the sandwich generation.
- It was more common in older generations to have one working parent while the other stayed home and cared for all the juggling generations. Nowadays, it’s more common to have two working parents, which considerably stretches the amount of free time available.
With many in our generation choosing to have children later in life, there’s an overlap where you may be raising young or adolescent children while also needing to care for aging parents. This convergence of responsibilities can lead to increased stress and financial pressure, as well as vast emotions.
These things coincide with my own midlife, a time when I face personal health challenges, including lupus, an autoimmune disorder, and I have a child with autism; I am also divorced and a single working parent.
Now, I’m dealing with a triple layer of health concerns – my own, my children’s, and my aging parents.
But Wait: There’s More! A Pandemic!
On top of all these other factors, we are also living in unprecedented times. We are still coming out of the pandemic.
We are dealing with the repercussions of having an extended period of lockdown. Our children may be socially or educationally delayed. Our aging parents may be at risk for greater health problems due to COVID-19. And a lot of people still feel so isolated.
These factors collectively suggest that our generation’s experience as the Ultimate Club Sandwich Generation is far more complex and demanding than that of previous generations. It highlights the need for more robust support systems, both at a personal and societal level, to help manage these concurrent responsibilities.
If you feel discouraged by being in the Ultimat Club Sandwich Generation, know that you are not alone. If you feel overwhelmed, reach out for help. Find a support group. Go to therapy.
Yoga Is The Answer…Not Necessarily!
So before I tell you the importance of yoga, let me start by saying I can’t tell you how many times I have been told that yoga is the magic answer to all my problems—the fairy godmother to my Cinderella issues.
Let me tell you: Yoga is not a magical cure-all.
Yoga is great. I love it. It helps me keep my body strong and flexible and calms my mind and spirit.
It IS great!
But it doesn’t ‘cure’ things. It won’t heal my lupus, prevent my depression, or alleviate any of my pressing responsibilities. But it can help me get through this time of life.
Anytime someone tells me that they knew someone with lupus who started doing yoga and was healed entirely…well, it’s reductive and dismissive. It’s not encouraging to me; it’s making me feel like my problems aren’t big.
And they are.
My problems are enormous, just like yours are, too.
Let’s all make a pact that, as fellow depression warriors, we will stop making each other feel trivialized or marginalized. We need to lift each other up.
Depression is hard. It would be so helpful if we could all encourage one another.
Now, onto the good things about yoga…it may not be a cure, but self-care is healing, rewarding, and uplifting.
Self-Care For the Ultimate Club Sandwich Generation
It’s not just about yoga. It’s all about self-care, which is not only necessary but essential in the battle with depression.
I talk a lot about self-care on my 3 O’Clock Wednesday blog.
It’s taken me 50 years, but I’ve learned that no one is going to ensure I get self-care unless I do it myself.
And when I’m walking on a tightrope while juggling, I can’t worry about fighting the lion of depression that is stalking me, waiting for me to fall off my precariously balanced wire.
I’ll lose.
The best thing for me and my depression is to care for myself actively—body, mind, and soul.
It doesn’t have to be yoga. All that matters is that it is something that speaks to your heart and lets your soul exhale.
Choose Your Treat
It’s challenging to find time for myself, given the demands on my schedule and my emotional energy. But self-care can be as simple as a short walk around the block, a quiet cuddle with a good book, or pursuing a hobby. I’ve gone on walks in my neighborhood, just hoping to bump into somebody walking their dog because I love dogs. They fill up my happy tank.
Sometimes, self-care means seeking support through therapy, joining support groups, or calling up a friend to cry.
One of my besties and I have “wine and whine” time when we drink a glass of wine while venting our problems to each other. It’s very healing.
It’s all about creating uninterrupted time for myself, which is necessary for maintaining my balance on this life tightrope.
For inspiration, read “Pick a Self-Care Indulgence As Mesmerizing As A Cat Treat.”
Self-care is not a luxury for our Club Sandwich Generation; it’s critical for sustaining our ability to care for others. It involves setting boundaries, learning to delegate, and sometimes asking for help.
It’s a recognition that to maintain my balance, I must be as attentive to my well-being as I am to those I care for.
Self-Care is Essential
Life in the Ultimate-Club-Sandwich generation is not just a challenge; it’s a journey of profound meaning. What I do has great importance to many people besides myself.
But it’s hard. Really hard.
I get it.
How are you feeling today? Are you struggling with the Ultimate Club Sandwich Generation? Do you feel like your well-being is always second place?
No wonder we feel depressed! Right?
Don’t let you become an afterthought in your own life. You are supposed to be the headlining star. Take care of yourself.
Treat yourself like the precious gem you are. You should be given a driver to take you to work every day, followed by a parade with a thousand fans cheering you on. Make sure you treat yourself with the care that you deserve.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, help is always available through the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.
“When people call, text, or chat with the 988 Lifeline, they are connected to trained crisis counselors who are part of the existing 988 Lifeline network, made up of over 200 local crisis centers. These crisis counselors are trained to provide free and confidential emotional support and crisis counseling to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress and connect them to resources. These services are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, across the United States.” (Copied from National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.)
Check out my blog for more stories: Lillystrong.com, including 3 O’Clock Wednesdays Echoes of Dementia: How My Mom’s Grocery List Became My Treasure
Send me a comment if you have any great tips on dealing with the Ultimate Club Sandwich generation. Be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel for lots of uplifting messages about depression.
Here is a 3 O’Clock Wednesday Self-Care message below.
