Rejection — and fear of rejection — is the biggest impediment we face to choosing ourselves
James Altucher
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Dear Friend,
Are you tired of the relentless cycle of fear of rejection and the crushing weight of anxiety and depression that follows?
Do you find yourself repeatedly entangled with narcissists, unable to recognize the red flags until it’s too late?
I understand your pain all too well, but I also hold the key to a brighter, healthier future. It’s all about subduing the fear of rejection.
Here’s the secret that can turn this dream into reality – a new mental script that will forever change your relationship with rejection and transform your life. It’s time to step into a world where fear of rejection loses its grip on your life, and you emerge as the confident, resilient individual you were meant to be.
Everyone Fears Rejection – Everyone!
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? That gut-wrenching feeling when you put yourself out there, and you’re met with silence or a flat-out “no.” It’s like a punch in the chest, a pang of self-doubt that creeps in when we face the prospect of rejection.
The truth is, every single one of us fears rejection, and that’s okay. It’s part of being human.
But what happens when this fear grows into something darker, something that gnaws at our self-worth and leaves us grappling with depression and anxiety?
The Slippery Slope From Rejection to Depression and Anxiety
Imagine this fear of rejection as a tiny seed. It’s natural. It’s part of our survival instinct. We want to belong, to be accepted, to feel loved.
But sometimes, this seed takes root in the fertile soil of our minds and begins to grow unchecked. It feeds on our insecurities, past traumas, and the stories we tell ourselves.
Soon, it becomes a gnarly, thorny vine that wraps around our hearts and strangles our self-esteem.
Think about it like this: You apply for a job, and the rejection email hits your inbox. Most folks feel a sting, perhaps a bit of disappointment, but they move on.
However, for some of us, that email becomes a relentless echo in our minds, a constant reminder that we’re not good enough, that we’re worthless.
That’s when depression and anxiety start knocking on the door.
Narcissists Are Bloodhounds When It Comes To Sniffing Out Fear Of Rejection
Narcissists, those masters of manipulation, have a radar for our fear of rejection.
They sniff it out like bloodhounds on a scent.
The knowledge that we long for acceptance and crave validation is used against us. They shower us with attention and flattery, making us feel like we’re walking on air. But it’s all an illusion, a carefully crafted facade to draw us into their web.
Consider this story: I once befriended Becky, who was utterly charming and showered me with compliments and attention. She called me every day and flooded me with feelings that I was special. It was intoxicating, and I felt like I had found a lifelong friend.
But slowly, ever so subtly, she began to withdraw her affection, leaving me feeling confused and desperate for her approval.
She started new hobbies and criticized me if I didn’t try them with her. She began to be involved in activities that cost more money than I was able to afford. I suddenly felt like I had become a burden to her instead of a valuable friend. Yet, I bent over backward, trying to win her back, even sacrificing my own happiness and well-being for the sake of our friendship.
Becoming Aware
Now, let’s pause for a moment.
What if I told you that the fear of rejection, when left unchecked, blinds us to the manipulative tactics of narcissists? It’s like wearing foggy glasses; you can’t see the truth clearly. But there’s hope.
The first step is awareness.
Think of it like tuning into a radio station. You’ve been listening to the same old song of rejection for so long that you’ve forgotten there are other channels to explore. It’s time to retune your internal radio.
Start by recognizing the patterns of your fear:
Do you often seek validation from others?
Do you go to great lengths to avoid situations where you might face rejection?
Have past rejections played a loop repeatedly in your mind?
These are clues, my friend, breadcrumbs leading you out of the dark forest.
Write A New Script To Lessen the Noise Of Rejection
So, you’ve recognized the fear of rejection and seen how narcissists latch onto that fear.
What’s next?
It’s time to rewrite your mental script to craft a new narrative that empowers you and lessens the grip of rejection.
If you haven’t already, I highly encourage you to read Brene Brown’s powerful book “Daring Greatly.” Brene’s insights are incredibly impactful, including her wholehearted living mantra:
“No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. Yes, I am imperfect, vulnerable, and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”
We need to embrace wholehearted living so buffer the noise of rejection.
The Questions
Start by questioning your inner critic. When that voice tells you that you’re not good enough, confront it,
- “Is that really true?”
Challenge negative thoughts with evidence to the contrary. Take a moment to remember those moments when you were vulnerable when you were celebrated, and when you felt proud of yourself.
2. “Is the fear of rejection preventing me from living wholeheartedly?“
Is my fear of rejection the main thing stopping me? It shouldn’t! Just like Brene Brown’s wholehearted mantra states: “No matter what, I am enough!”
3.“What’s the worst that could happen?”
Let’s get practical here. Ask yourself this question when the fear of rejection bubbles up. Most of the time, you’ll find that the worst-case scenario isn’t as catastrophic as you imagine. It’s like jumping into a cold pool; the anticipation is scarier than the plunge.
Don’t Let Narcissists Use Fear of Rejection
Now, let’s circle back to the narcissists. With your new mental script in hand, you’ll be better equipped to spot their manipulations from a mile away. When they dangle the carrot of approval, you’ll recognize it for what it is—a trap. You won’t let their fickle affection dictate your self-worth.
My friendship with Becky ended unexpectedly…ironically, when I found out I was expecting.
My “BFF” told me flat out that she couldn’t be friends with someone who was about to have another baby because her youngest child was almost two years old, and she was moving out of that “baby phase.” She wasn’t willing to have to work around my new baby’s nap schedule or feeding times.
This was a monstrous wake-up call for me. The very idea that she couldn’t be friends with me anymore because I was having a baby shone a spotlight on her selfish and manipulative ways. This obviously wasn’t a friendship built on trust, love, or dependability.
Using The Script
When my friend’s rejection stung me sharply, I asked myself my three questions.
“Is this true?”
I asked myself: Was I no longer a worthwhile friend just because I was having a baby? When spoken aloud, the obvious answer is “no!”
“Is the fear of rejection preventing me from living wholeheartedly?”
The answer was “yes!” Instead of rejoicing in my pregnancy, I felt shame and worry. The fear of rejection was a thief who stole joy from my life.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
I had convinced myself that losing this friendship would be devastating. But when I asked myself this question, I realized that the worst thing that could happen was the loss of an unhealthy, toxic friendship.
Reframed in this way, I was able to clearly see that the worst thing that could happen wasn’t really a bad thing at all.
Stop The Fear Of Rejection
Now, let’s dive deep into the heart of the matter. I know what you might be thinking: “Can I really break free from this cycle? Is it possible to stop being an easy mark for narcissists?” These questions weigh heavy; I get it. But here’s the thing – you’ve already taken a significant step just by reading this article, by acknowledging that something isn’t quite right in your world. That takes courage.
Listen to me: you have the power to transform your story.
So, my friend, take a deep breath, step into the world with renewed strength, and rewrite your script. You’re not an easy mark anymore. You’re a warrior, a survivor, and your journey has just begun. Your life, unburdened by the chains of narcissism, is waiting for you to claim it.
I am Lilly. I am strong.
Up Next — Are You Easy to Manipulate?: #4 Narcissist Magnets
Check out the first two articles in this series, #1 Are You A Magnet for Narcissists, and Seeking Approval: #2 Magnet for Narcissists
