Let’s stop attracting narcissists who drain us.
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Dear Friend,
Do you often find yourself seeking approval from others, only to discover that you’re repeatedly entangled with narcissists who drain your emotional energy and leave you feeling used and discarded?
If so, you’re not alone.
The longing for validation is a shared human desire, but when it becomes an unquenchable thirst, it can lead us down a treacherous path.
But how can you avoid going down that path? What’s the secret? Well, my friend, it lies in the power of connection and support. Imagine being surrounded by a circle of like-minded individuals who understand your struggles intimately, a safe haven where you can learn, grow, and heal together.
In this series, we’ll delve deep into recognizing the red flags of narcissism, reframing your thinking, and discovering the strength that comes from within. And, as we embark on today’s transformative journey, you’ll uncover your first powerful tool to tuck into your tool kit—a supportive community that will uplift you, empower you, and help you break free from the cycle of seeking approval.
Approval From The “Pack”
Ever felt the tug of wanting to fit in, to be part of the tribe? Yeah, you’re not alone in this.
We humans, social creatures that we are, have an innate desire for approval from our fellow humans. It’s a primal need to belong to the pack. From the schoolyard to the workplace, the longing for that nod of approval or pat on the back is just hardwired into us.
Think about it: When you were a kid, did you ever do something impressive and immediately seek your parent’s or teacher’s praise? If you were like me, you craved that acknowledgment.
As adults, little has changed. Your colleagues’ compliments or your friends’ praise still mean a lot to you.
Why Do We Seek Approval?
Now, why do we do this? What’s the deal with this eternal quest for nods and claps?
It all boils down to our upbringing, society’s expectations, and, yeah, a dash of biology. When you were a kid, making mom and dad proud felt like a victory. Society showers praise on achievements, and our brains, those crafty little things, release the good ol’ feel-good chemicals—dopamine and oxytocin—when we get that approval hit. It’s like a tiny party in your head every time you’re liked or admired.
In the book, “What Happened To You?” Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry delve into the motivations we all have for behavior. It’s a book that has given me many ‘a-ha!’ moments. One behavior they discuss is seeking approval.
Oprah states that there is one common denominator among the thousands of people she has interviewed over the years: Every single person ends the interview by asking, “How did I do?”
From celebrities to presidents, every person wants to know they are doing a good job.
But here’s where it gets tricky. We start craving it too much. We begin to think that our worthiness depends on what others think. And that’s when things can go south quickly.
And The Narcissist Swoops In
Narcissists, well, they’ve got an uncanny knack for spotting this need in others.
It’s like they have approval-seeking radar. They know how to play the game. They’ll make you feel like you’ve hit the jackpot of admiration.
At first, it’s intoxicating. They’re charming, showering you with attention, making you feel special. It’s like being in a spotlight, and it’s addictive.
But here’s the kicker: They’re not in it for you.
Nope. It’s all about them. They feed off your desire for approval. They manipulate and exploit it. Soon, you’re bending over backward to please them, all while they bask in the glory of your adoration.
Remember my narcissistic boss in the first article? We began our working relationship with her constantly heaping praise on me over and over…until she twisted around and found fault with me even when the fault wasn’t mine. It’s disconcerting for a person to go from head of the class to dunce cap with no discernable reason.
How To Avoid The Never-Ending Loop
Alright, now that we’ve unmasked the narcissist’s game, how can we protect ourselves from falling into their approval-seeking trap? It’s about becoming aware of your own behavior.
Sadly, you will never be able to change a narcissist. You can only change your reactions and actions.
Start by asking yourself, “Am I doing this for me, or am I doing this for someone else’s approval?” Take a moment to reflect. Are you constantly seeking validation in your relationships or decisions? That’s the red flag.
Here’s the thing: Healthy approval-seeking is okay. It’s normal. We’re social creatures, remember? But when it becomes a relentless chase or challenges our sense of self-worth, that’s when it’s a problem.
Armoring Up
So, what’s the antidote? How do we break free from this endless cycle of approval-seeking?
Start by creating your own tribe—a group of people who “get” you. These are the folks who’ll support you, not because they want something from you, but because they genuinely care. Building a support network of genuine relationships is like putting on armor against narcissists.
Imagine this: You’ve got friends who appreciate you for who you are, not for what you do for them. These are the people who’ll be there through thick and thin. They won’t exploit your need for approval but will help you find your own self-worth. They will allow you to be authentically real.
In the end, my friend, it’s about recognizing the approval-seeking in yourself and channeling it in healthy ways. It’s about surrounding yourself with the right pack—a pack that values you for you, not for what you can do for them.
You’ve Got This
You might be thinking, “Can I really break free from this cycle of seeking approval? Is change even possible?”
I get it. Change is scary. It’s like stepping into the unknown, leaving behind the comfort zone of familiar patterns. We’ve all faced those moments of self-doubt, wondering if we have what it takes to change our lives.
Take a deep breath and feel the emotions swirling within you. Yes, you’re right; it’s not easy. But remember, the most worthwhile journeys often begin with a single step, with the courage to confront what’s been holding us back.
Let the wisdom you’ve gained from this article ignite a fire within you. Let it fuel your determination to break free from the chains of unhealthy approval-seeking. Embrace the power of your newfound understanding, and remember that you’re in control of your own narrative.
So, here’s your pep talk: You’ve got this. You’re stronger than you think. You’ve armed yourself with knowledge, and now it’s time to wield it. Stand tall, my friend, and step into the life you deserve.
Until next time,
I am Lilly. I am strong!
New to I Am Lilly, I Am Strong? Check out the beginning.…
Take a peek at the first post in this series: Are You A Magnet For Narcissists?
