Pathological lying isn’t just a tactic for narcissists—it’s the core of who they are, woven into every aspect of their lives. To those unfamiliar with this behavior, it’s almost unfathomable that someone could lie so effortlessly, so often, and about even the most minor things. But this disbelief keeps narcissists hidden. When you’re unaware of just how deeply they manipulate reality, you become an easy target—unknowingly drawing them in like a magnet. I am a magnet for narcissists and I’m ready to tell you my story.
I Was Completely Unaware Of the Insidiousness of Pathological Lying
When I share my story of surviving narcissistic abuse, I’m always asked the same kind of questions, “Didn’t you feel something was off?” and “Weren’t you suspicious?”
“How could you not know?”
From the outside, it’s easy to assume that deception like this would raise alarms. But when you’re living in the midst of it, the constant stream of small lies, the gaslighting, and the manipulation blend into everyday life, making it hard to see the bigger picture.
Narcissists are experts at crafting a reality where their behavior seems normal, and when you’re conditioned to trust them, you don’t always recognize the red flags—until it’s too late. That is a hallmark of pathological lying.
Pathological Lying: A Narcissist’s Foundation
Unlike the occasional white lie, narcissists lie compulsively, often without remorse or hesitation. They shape reality to suit their needs, using deception to create a facade that allows them to appear better, smarter, or more successful than they truly are.
For a narcissist, the truth is nothing more than an inconvenience, something to be bent or discarded whenever necessary.
For a long time, I didn’t realize just how deep my husband’s deception ran. He lied about everything—big and small (Read more about the signs of pathological lying). It started with minor things that I brushed off.
He’d say he took out the trash, and I’d later find it still sitting in the can. I told myself he probably just forgot, no big deal, right? But it wasn’t just the trash.
- He lied about going to work when, instead, he would go out with his friends.
- He said he was graduating college when, in reality, he had dropped out.
- He assured me he had filed out joint taxes, but he hadn’t.
Each lie seemed so unnecessary, so ridiculous, I thought I was making mountains out of molehills.
Cold, Calculated Control to Create a Mirage
I didn’t know it at the time, but his constant dishonesty wasn’t just carelessness—it was calculated.
He lied to craft an image, to hide his flaws, and to ensure that I never questioned his authority. For him, lying was about maintaining power and control, fueling the illusion that everything was under his control when, in reality, our lives were unraveling.
In the world of a narcissist, pathological lying is more than just a habit—it’s survival.
Without their web of lies, they risk being exposed as ordinary, flawed, or unworthy, a fate they cannot bear. My husband’s lies fueled his ego, and in turn, they kept me trapped in a false reality that was hard to escape.
Every lie fed his need for admiration, power, and control. Whether exaggerating his accomplishments or outright taking credit for things he didn’t do, the lies serve a singular purpose: maintaining the grandiose image he crafted.
Taking Credit as a “Team”
In my life, this pattern of ego-feeding through lies was all too familiar. My narcissist would often take credit for things I did, insisting it was because we were a “team.”
For example, I spent hours cleaning the home to prepare for family holiday gatherings, yet he would casually drop into conversations with friends or family that “we” had handled everything so efficiently.
It would frustrate me because the reality was that I had done all the work. But when I would bring it up, he’d say, “We’re partners. We’re a team.”
It sounded like a reasonable explanation, but in truth, it was just another way to minimize my contributions and elevate his role in the relationship.
Fanning the Flames of Narcissism
Over time, these lies became the fuel that powered his self-image. When he spoke about our home, our work, or any success in our lives, he’d weave the narrative to make it seem like he was the driving force behind it all. Meanwhile, the hard work I put in behind the scenes went unnoticed.
His pathological lying created a version of himself that was smarter, more capable, and more essential than he actually was.
Narcissists thrive on this cycle of deception because every lie reinforces their false sense of superiority. In my partner’s case, taking credit for my accomplishments wasn’t just about receiving praise; it was about maintaining control. By diminishing my contributions and inflating his own, he kept the power dynamic in his favor.
He ensured he was always seen as the capable one, the leader, the one who “had it all together,” while I was left invisible.
Pathological Lying Slowly Deletes The Victim
These lies don’t just feed the narcissist’s ego—they also slowly erode the victim’s sense of self-worth.
When someone constantly downplays your contributions or takes credit for your efforts, it becomes easy to start doubting yourself. You begin to wonder if your work really matters or if maybe you’re overreacting.
This is exactly what narcissists want—by distorting reality, they keep you off balance and emotionally dependent. They slowly delete who the victim naturally is.
Instead of just feeling invisible, the real core of my personality began to diminish more and more.
Deception is a Tool for Manipulation
I didn’t realize it at the time, but his lies were more than controlling the picture he presented to the world, they were also about controlling me. Every lie he told, no matter how small, was part of a larger strategy to manipulate the way I saw things, the way I saw him, and even the way I saw myself.
It was subtle at first. He’d tell me something, and when I questioned it later, he’d flat-out deny ever saying it. I remember the first time it happened. I thought I was the one who got it wrong. Maybe I misheard him, maybe I was too distracted, or maybe I was just being overly sensitive.
But it wasn’t me—it was him. It was gaslighting, plain and simple.
He used deception to manipulate my perception of reality. The more I questioned things, the more he twisted them. He’d rewrite events as if I had imagined them wrong, convincing me that I was too forgetful or too emotional to remember things correctly.
I started doubting myself—my memory, my judgment, my own sense of reality. This was exactly what he wanted: to keep me unsure, off-balance, and dependent on him for what was “real.”
A Tale of College Tuition Twists
One of the most painful examples was when he lied about our finances. He assured me he had filled out paperwork that could help our children get college grants and scholarships. Well, remember when I said he hadn’t filed our taxes? FAFSA aid is constructed around federal tax forms, and he never filed them!
This resulted in perhaps thousands of dollars in college aid that my children missed out on. It was a loop of deception that hurt everyone involved.
He got away with this behavior for years, and it wasn’t until I connected the dots that he admitted to it.
And what do you think his reaction was? He made me feel like I was blowing things out of proportion, that I was being dramatic, when in reality, I had every right to be upset.
This was his tactic—downplaying the seriousness of his lies to make me feel unreasonable for questioning him. And I fell for it.
He used deception to keep me in a constant state of confusion, never quite sure what the truth was, always doubting myself. He didn’t just lie about the trash. He lied about where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing.
Each lie was a tool to manipulate my understanding of our life together, keeping me trapped in a version of reality that he controlled.
Twisting the Truth With Pathological Lying
Even when I had solid evidence of his lies, like when I found my unopened W2 form when he had sworn he had filed out taxes, he would still deny it or twist the story to make me feel guilty for not trusting him.
He would say things like, “I didn’t want to worry you” or “I was going to tell you when the time was right,” making it seem like his deception was somehow justified because he was protecting me. But in reality, it was about protecting himself and keeping control over the narrative of our lives.
Narcissists are masters of manipulation, and lies are their greatest tool. They use deception to confuse you, to make you doubt yourself, and to maintain control.
My husband’s lies weren’t just careless—they were calculated. He knew exactly what he was doing, and by keeping me in a fog of confusion, he ensured that I would always come back to him for clarity, for reassurance, for some semblance of stability.
The truth was that the stability he offered was built on lies, and it took me far too long to see through the web of deception he had spun around me.
Recognizing the Unimaginable: Becoming Aware of Pathological Lying
One of the hardest parts of coming to terms with narcissistic abuse is accepting just how deeply a narcissist’s lies can run. For most people, it’s unimaginable that someone could lie about the things narcissists lie about—especially the mundane, everyday things.
We’re taught from a young age that lies are bad, but we’re also conditioned to believe that people generally tell the truth unless they’re backed into a corner. So when you’re faced with a narcissist who lies effortlessly, even when there’s no apparent reason to do so, it feels disorienting.
At first, I couldn’t believe the extent of the dishonesty. Sure, we all tell small white lies, but the things he lied about weren’t just occasional slips—they were constant, and many of them were about things that seemed trivial.
- Why lie about taking out the trash?
- Why lie about having a college degree
- Why lie about getting together with his friends?
Eventually, I realized that his lies weren’t about the content of the lie itself but about control and manipulation. He wasn’t just avoiding conflict; he was constructing an entire reality, one in which he was always the hero or the victim, but never the villain.
My Turning Point
The turning point for me came when I finally started to see the pattern. The lies weren’t random. They were part of a strategy—a way to keep me confused and off-balance, to make sure I never felt like I had a solid grasp of the truth.
I could see how deeply woven deception was in every aspect of our lives together.
I’m not going to lie; the realization was painful.
It was hard to accept that someone I loved and trusted could be so deceitful. But at the same time, it was empowering. I finally understood that I wasn’t crazy or paranoid.
I had been gaslit, lied to, and manipulated for years.
Once the Blindfold Comes Off
Becoming aware of pathological lying means accepting that someone close to you:
- Could be living in a completely different version of reality—one that they’ve constructed through lies.
- Has the goal to not only tell the occasional falsehood but to control how you see the world and, more importantly, how you see them.
Once you’re aware of this, you start to spot the red flags you missed before. You notice the subtle contradictions in their stories, the defensiveness when they’re questioned, and the way they twist facts to fit their narrative.
You suddenly know.
The Reality of Lies is a Very Bitter Pill to Swallow
It’s not easy to accept that you’ve been lied to on such a fundamental level.
For a long time, I believed that he couldn’t possibly be lying about everything. I made excuses for him and convinced myself that maybe I was being too hard on him or that maybe he was just stressed and needed to be understood.
But pathological lying isn’t about stress, and it isn’t about occasional lapses in judgment. It’s about maintaining control, keeping you in the dark, and ensuring that you never become fully aware of the truth.
The first step toward breaking free from a narcissist’s web of lies is recognizing that their lies are not just a quirk or a bad habit—they are a calculated tool of manipulation ( Read about unveiling narcissistic abuse). Once you can see through that, you begin to regain your sense of reality, your sense of self.
And that’s when the healing can truly begin.
Breaking Free from the Web of Lies
Pathological lying is more than just dishonesty—it’s a powerful tool narcissists use to control, manipulate, and keep you unaware of the truth. For those of us who’ve lived through it, the lies can feel impossible to comprehend, leaving us confused and doubting our own reality. But once you recognize the pattern of deception, you take the first step toward breaking free.
The key to reclaiming your life is awareness. Trust your instincts, validate your reality, and don’t ignore the red flags. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can help you untangle the web of lies and rediscover your sense of self. You deserve relationships built on truth and respect—not manipulation. Take back your power and refuse to be a part of the narcissist’s false narrative.
It’s time to step out of the web of lies and into a life where honesty and trust can thrive.
Magnet For Narcissists series
Read all the articles in the Magnet for Narcissists series.
#1 Are You a Magnet for Narcissists: 8 Possible Reasons Why
Seeking Approval: #2 Magnet for Narcissists
Fear of Rejection: #3 Narcissist Magnet
Are You Easy to Manipulate?: #4 Narcissist Magnet
The Vulnerable Prey: Low Self-Esteem and the Narcissist’s Trap
