Narcissistic abuse. Once, I had no idea such a thing existed.
In all my fifty-four years, the most shattering truth I uncovered was not about the world but about myself: Unknowingly, I had been ensnared in the devastating web of narcissistic abuse.
This revelation was a shock, dismantling the belief that all was well in my world (or that all my problems were my fault.) Many share my journey from blindness to awareness of narcissistic abuse in silence, and it’s time we speak out.
I promise this: Since I unveiled my abuse, I vow never to let it happen again. Never.
The HOW of Narcissistic Abuse
Such a little word: HOW. Even so, it is so powerful in its ability to spotlight my powerlessness.
How did I not know?
Or how could I have let this happen?
How come I wasn’t suspicious?
Countless times, people have asked me that question, and yet, I still don’t have any reasonable answers, even for myself.
How could I fail to see that I was married to a narcissist?
The word narcissism conjures images of selfish people who only think of themselves. Admittedly, I always considered that a personality flaw, not a mental disorder. I didn’t realize there is a difference between acting narcissistically and having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Now I know firsthand what the primary byproduct of this dark trait is: Emotional Abuse.
I have been a victim of this abuse for over 30 years. That’s a very long time. It took that long for me to see my abuser clearly for the first time, and what a horrifying wake-up call it was (read “Healing from Depression.”) All I needed was to see the invisible gorilla in the room.
The Invisible Gorilla
The “Invisible Gorilla” theory refers to a famous psychological experiment that illustrates the phenomenon of inattentional blindness. The experiment was conducted by Daniel Simons and Christopher Chabris in 1999.
In the study, the researchers asked participants to watch a short video where two groups of people—some dressed in black, some in white—passed basketballs among themselves. They instructed the participants to count the number of passes the people in white made.
While the participants performed this task, a person in a gorilla suit walked into the scene, beat their chest, and then left. Surprisingly, about half of the people watching the video did not notice the gorilla at all despite it being very conspicuous.
This happened because they focused their attention on counting the passes.
The basic idea behind the Invisible Gorilla theory is that people often overlook significant changes in their visual field when they focus their attention on something else, a phenomenon known as inattentional blindness.
This has broader implications for our understanding of perception and awareness, suggesting that we miss a lot of what goes on around us, even when we think we are paying attention.
Not only do we miss a lot, but we also have no idea that we are missing so much.
This ability to be blind to something obvious but unexpected explains a lot.
How did I not see the abuse? Well, because it was the last thing I was expecting.
When the Obvious is Unexpected
We don’t always see the gorilla right in front of us. The apparent answers can easily elude us, and there is a good reason: our brains don’t realize there is a danger to look out for.
The Expectations of a Marriage Partnership (Hint: It’s not narcissistic abuse!)
I stumbled into my marriage at the age of 22: young, inexperienced, and impressionable.
My family was a shining example of how a strong marriage should look. My parents were devoted to one another and were strong partners in parenting and life.
Naively, I walked into marriage thinking that I had aligned myself with my perfect partner, too. I committed myself, acted selflessly, and dedicated my efforts; I only wanted the best for my husband and worked tirelessly to be a good wife.
Sadly, I didn’t get a partner who reciprocated these feelings or actions. My husband was a narcissist who masterfully manipulated every situation for his personal gain.
The Expectation of the Brain
Research shows that the prefrontal cortex, the last part of the brain to develop, doesn’t fully mature until around 25 years old. The prefrontal cortex is a critical brain region responsible for decision-making, problem-solving, emotional regulation, and higher-level cognitive functions like planning and social behavior.
Since I began dating my future husband at only 17, I spent eight years with him before the decision-making part of my brain fully matured.
Eight years is long enough to change thought patterns.
It is long enough to create doubt about one’s self. Long enough to shatter self-confidence. And long enough to firmly place a toxic script inside one’s mind.
I can say, with a lot of embarrassment, that I was blinded; not only by what I was missing, but also by my unawareness that there was anything to miss.
The obvious eluded me because it was so wholly unexpected.
The Narcissistic Abuse Trap
Have you ever encountered the phrase “20/20 hindsight”? Essentially, it suggests that looking back at past events allows us to see everything with perfect clarity.
Initially, we might kick ourselves, thinking that if only we had known more or understood better at the time, we could have acted differently. This is a common experience, isn’t it? Typically, we only recognize our mistakes or missed opportunities after the fact.
Interestingly, this saying highlights our ability to be excellent detectives in retrospect.
Seeing things clearly as they happen is trickier.
Indeed, hindsight is an insightful teacher. Yet, in real-time situations, we all can only make the best decisions with the information available to us, even when it’s just partial information.
And there is the challenge: making decisions without the whole picture is nearly impossible.
As you prepare to move forward in this journey to heal and attempt to embrace forgiveness for yourself and others, it’s crucial to stand back and see the entire situation for what it is. Now is the moment to uncover the truth.
The Unveiling of Narcissistic Abuse
Discovering the truth in a situation filled with deception and manipulation is like slowly lifting a veil from one’s eyes.
Initially, the veil is thick, blocking the view and distorting reality. It’s like walking through a dense fog, where shapes and paths are unclear, and every step is uncertain.
Each moment of insight or clarity acts like a gentle hand pulling away a layer of the veil, thinning the fog. As you remove more layers, what was once hidden becomes clearer.
Just as a veil can subtly alter or completely hide what lies beneath, misconceptions or lies from the narcissist in our lives can prevent us from seeing the truth.
The process of removing this veil isn’t sudden; it’s a gradual journey toward clarity and enlightenment, often requiring patience, resilience, and the courage to face the unveiled truths.
But this is a critical part of the healing journey. This is where our questions will shift from “How did I not know?” to “How do I know I’ve been a victim?” to “How did that person do this to me?”
And, once you lift the veil, returning to the blissful world of ignorance is no longer an option. You can’t unsee the invisible gorilla in the room.
And you know what? I don’t want to. I refuse to fall victim to narcissistic abuse ever again! Not me!
Have you experienced emotional abuse caused by a narcissist? If so, step back and survey your situation to get the whole picture so you can move forward today. It is vital that you get the help you need to heal (“Let’s Talk About Antidepressants.”) Please drop me a comment and let me know the most surprising thing you’ve discovered.
In the next article, “#2 Unveiled Narcissistic Abuse: Now what? You’re the Boss!” we will delve into a different version of a how question: How do we move forward? I hope you will join me.
For more resources and stories, check out the rest of my blog at Lillystrong.com
