Did you know being empathetic is a way to be a narcissist magnet? If you said, “Yes,” then you are much wiser than me. My entire life, I’ve been described primarily by one word: sweet. I am a sweet and empathetic person who cares and loves deeply. But I have learned that my sweetness draws narcissists to me like honey attracts Winnie the Pooh. Let’s look at how my personality is magnetic for narcissists.
The Empathetic-Narcissist Attraction
What Makes an Empathetic Person?
Empathy is the ability to deeply understand and share the feelings of others, while compassion involves a strong desire to alleviate the suffering of those around you. An empath is someone who embodies these traits, often feeling the emotions of others as if they were their own. This heightened sensitivity makes empaths naturally attuned to the needs and feelings of those around them, allowing them to offer comfort, understanding, and support in ways that go beyond the average person’s capacity.
A Gift and a Curse
Empaths are often the caretakers in their relationships, driven by an innate urge to help and heal. They are quick to notice when someone is in distress and will go out of their way to provide solace. This deep connection to others’ emotions makes empaths invaluable friends and partners but also makes them particularly vulnerable to those who might exploit their caring nature.
Narcissists’ Attraction to Empathetic Individuals
In the eyes of a narcissist, an empath’s natural inclination to nurture and care for others is a goldmine. Narcissists thrive on attention and validation; an empath’s deep emotional engagement offers a seemingly endless reservoir of both. The empath’s ability to tune into the narcissist’s needs and respond with care and understanding feeds the narcissist’s ego and reinforces their sense of superiority.
Narcissists are drawn to empaths like moths to a flame (and bears to honey). The reason lies in the narcissist’s need for a constant source of “supply”—a steady stream of attention, admiration, and emotional validation that sustains their fragile self-esteem. Empaths, with their boundless capacity to understand and support others, are ideal providers of this supply.
What is a Supply?
Narcissists need a “supply” to maintain their fragile self-esteem and sense of identity. At the core of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is an unstable and vulnerable self-image, often masked by an exaggerated sense of superiority and entitlement. Despite outward appearances, narcissists are highly dependent on external validation to feel worthy and significant. This is where the concept of “narcissistic supply” comes in.
Why Does a Narcissist Need Supply?
- Fragile Self-Esteem:
Narcissists have an underlying sense of inadequacy and insecurity, even if they don’t consciously acknowledge it. To combat these feelings, they rely heavily on others to reinforce their self-worth. This reinforcement, or “supply,” comes in the form of admiration, attention, praise, and even submissiveness from those around them. They surround themselves with ‘yes men.’ - Validation of Superiority:
Narcissists view themselves as special or unique, often believing they deserve more than others. However, this belief is not internally stable; they need others to affirm their superiority continuously. The supply validates their exaggerated self-image, making them feel important and powerful. The narcissist in my life regularly would take credit for my good deeds and even for my personality, claiming we were a combined unit. Therefore, every time I did something nice for another person, my narc would feel good about it, as if they had done it themselves. - Control and Power:
For narcissists, maintaining control over their environment and the people in it is crucial. By securing a steady supply, they ensure that they remain the center of attention and the ones who dictate the terms of relationships. This control feeds their sense of power and reinforces their self-perception as dominant and invincible. As an empathetic person, I would allow my narc control simply because I knew that made him happy. I was blind to the fact that this control came at a significant cost to myself. - Avoidance of Shame:
At a deeper level, narcissists are driven by a fear of shame. If their inflated self-image is challenged or if they face criticism, it threatens to expose their underlying vulnerabilities. A continuous supply of validation helps keep these fears at bay, allowing them to avoid confronting their feelings of inadequacy.
The Impact on the Empathetic Person
The dynamic between an empath and a narcissist can quickly become one-sided. The empath’s desire to help and heal is met with the narcissist’s insatiable need for affirmation. This creates a cycle where the empath continuously gives, while the narcissist takes without reciprocation. Over time, the empath may find themselves emotionally drained, as their compassionate nature is exploited to meet the narcissist’s unrelenting demands.
Emotional Drain and Burnout
For empaths, constantly giving and providing emotional support to a narcissist can lead to profound emotional exhaustion. Their natural inclination to care for others often means they prioritize the narcissist’s needs above their own, pouring all their energy into maintaining the relationship. Over time, this unbalanced dynamic leaves the empath feeling depleted, both physically and mentally.
The demands of always being there, always understanding, and always forgiving become overwhelming.
As the narcissist continues to manipulate and gaslight, the empath may begin to experience intense self-doubt and confusion. They start questioning their perceptions and emotions, unsure if they see the situation clearly or are somehow at fault. This constant questioning can lead to a state of chronic anxiety, where the empath feels trapped in a cycle of trying to please the narcissist while never feeling good enough.
Erosion of Self-Worth
Over time, the narcissist’s consistent devaluation and criticism chip away at the empath’s sense of self-worth. The empath, who once found strength in their ability to care for others, may start to believe the narcissist’s negative assessments of them. This erosion of self-esteem can lead to feelings of unworthiness and hopelessness.
Loss of Identity
In addition to the damage to their self-esteem, empaths often lose sight of their own identity in these relationships. Their focus on the narcissist’s needs and desires can cause them to neglect their own, leading to a disconnection from their true selves. This loss of identity further deepens the emotional wounds inflicted by the narcissist, making it even harder for the empath to break free from the toxic dynamic.
Understanding the impact that these relationships have on one’s emotional and psychological well-being is essential for an empath. It’s a crucial step in recognizing the need for boundaries and self-care and ultimately finding the strength to reclaim one’s life.
The Truth — Empathetic People Are Bad Boundary Builders and Keepers
Empathy is a Gift
Empathy is a fantastic gift, one that I use happily. My nature can uplift and encourage others around me. I feel I have the ability to make the world a better place.
However, as an empathetic and compassionate person, I naturally focus on the emotions and needs of others, often prioritizing their well-being over mine. This strong desire to help and support those around me has made it difficult for me to establish and enforce boundaries. I tend to give without limits, believing that my compassion can heal and uplift those who are struggling.
The Flip Side
However, this inclination to always be there for others has led to situations where my own needs are overlooked or dismissed, and I’ve found myself sacrificing my well-being to maintain harmony in relationships.
The challenge with creating boundaries stems from the fear of hurting or disappointing others.
Wake-Up Call!
As someone who deeply cares about how others feel, setting limits can feel selfish or unkind, even though it’s necessary for my own mental and emotional health. Reinforcing boundaries becomes even harder when I see someone in pain or distress—I instinctively want to help, often at the expense of my own energy and peace of mind.
Over time, this lack of boundaries has left me feeling drained and unappreciated, making it clear that my empathy, while a strength, also requires a balance with self-care and assertiveness.
Breaking the Cycle With Boundaries
The number one “must do” when you are an empath in an inescapable entanglement with a narcissist is to set and maintain boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Boundaries serve as a way to safeguard your energy, ensuring that you don’t become overwhelmed by the narcissist’s demands. Here are five practical strategies to help you set firm boundaries:
1. Draw Your Line in the Sand:
Be specific about what behaviors you will and will not tolerate. This might include refusing to engage in arguments, not responding to constant demands for attention, or setting limits on how much time you spend together.
2. Communicate Boundaries Like a Boss:
When establishing boundaries, communicate them clearly and confidently. Avoid justifying or over-explaining your decisions—state your boundaries with firm language that leaves no room for negotiation.
3. Empathetic People Need to Learn a New Word — No!:
As an empath, saying no can feel uncomfortable, but it’s vital for your well-being. Practice declining requests that overextend you or make you feel uncomfortable, and remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for prioritizing yourself. This is a lesson I still struggle with. I always feel the need to explain my boundaries. The truth is this: I have created my boundaries out of need and necessity, not to be selfish. And I don’t owe any explanations to anybody.
4. Stay Consistent No Matter What:
Once you’ve set a boundary, it’s important to stick to it. Inconsistency can send mixed signals to the narcissist, encouraging them to push your limits. Reinforce your boundaries consistently, even when it’s difficult. This is another difficult one for me. It takes a conscious, purposeful recognition of my own self-worth to keep my boundaries secure.
5. Self-Care is Non-Negotiable:
Make self-care a non-negotiable part of your routine. This includes taking time for activities that recharge you, setting aside moments of solitude, and ensuring that you’re not neglecting your own emotional needs in favor of others.
Remember, setting boundaries is not about being selfish; it’s about protecting your mental and emotional health. By establishing these limits, you create a space where you can thrive without being drained by the demands of a narcissistic relationship.
Seeking Support and Healing for the Empathetic
Seeking outside support is essential for any empathetic person. Surround yourself with friends and family who understand your situation and can offer encouragement and validation. Sometimes, just having someone to listen to and affirm your experiences can make a world of difference in your healing journey.
In addition to personal support, consider seeking professional help. Therapy can provide valuable tools for rebuilding your self-worth and understanding the dynamics of the relationship. A therapist can guide you through the process of healing from the emotional damage caused by the narcissist, helping you to regain your confidence and sense of identity. Healing takes time, but with the right support, you can reclaim your life and move forward with strength and resilience.
Remember, being empathetic is a gift. Don’t allow narcissists to use it as a weapon to break you down.
Read all the articles in the Magnet for Narcissists series.
#1 Are You a Magnet for Narcissists: 8 Possible Reasons Why
Seeking Approval: #2 Magnet for Narcissists
Fear of Rejection: #3 Narcissist Magnet
Are You Easy to Manipulate?: #4 Narcissist Magnet
The Vulnerable Prey: Low Self-Esteem and the Narcissist’s Trap
