The lasting marks of narcissistic abuse aren’t well known because they aren’t freely shared. The heavy weight of shame, guilt, and fear binds victims into silence. They hide behind a mask of bravery while covering the scars of a narcissistic relationship in embarrassment. What people don’t understand is that victims of this kind of abuse suffer even more because they feel like they are to blame for the very abuse that was heaped on their shoulders. We hide these symptoms from the world.
Narcissistic Abuse Steals All the Feelings
I sit at the whitewashed table, looking at two of my oldest friends across the slats while nervously twisting my hands together. I’ve known Lisa and Sarah since we were kids—Lisa since high school and Sarah since 2nd grade. We were forever friends, and both were bridesmaids at my wedding. Now in our 50s, we’ve supported one another through many of life’s ups and downs: heartbreak, romance, marriage, and divorce. Yet, even with our long history, the information I reveal is entirely unexpected.
Calmly, almost monotone, I explain that my 30-year marriage is over after discovering my husband is a narcissist who had lied, cheated, and abused me. I drone on, giving point after point like a dry PowerPoint presentation.
After recovering from my surprise news, Sarah keenly observes: “I’m sure you weren’t this calm when you first found this out. It’s almost like you’re talking about someone else.”
Wow– I hadn’t thought about how I was recounting my details. I was simply trying to survive and keep moving one foot in front of the other each day. But Sarah’s observation was correct; I was entirely too calm.
Truthfully, I was functioning in a dissociative state; I had to disconnect my feelings from my story to make it through the details without dissolving into a puddle of emotion.
Like many abuse survivors, I found it easier to talk about my abuse as if it were a story that happened to a stranger rather than feel all the emotions this long-term abuse had generated.
Why Survivors Bury the Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse
Victims of narcissistic abuse often conceal the symptoms of their trauma by putting on a facade of strength and normalcy, masking their emotional pain with a smile or an upbeat attitude, while downplaying the severity of their experiences. Let’s take a look at some of the reasons why we hide our abuse.
- Shame and Guilt
Survivors often carry the weight of shame, believing the abuse was somehow their fault. But it’s important to remember: the abuse was never your fault. You deserve to heal and let go of this misplaced guilt. - Fear of Judgment over Narcissistic Abuse
The fear of being judged or not being believed can hold survivors back from opening up. Your story matters, and the right people will support you. Sharing your truth is a sign of strength, not something to be feared. - Desire to Appear ‘Normal’
Many survivors try to maintain an image of normalcy, hiding their pain behind a smile. But there’s no need to pretend. Your authentic self, with all its scars, is strong and beautiful—and deserving of care and support. - Conditioning from the Narcissist
Narcissists often convince victims that revealing the abuse will make them seem weak or unreliable. This is manipulation. Speaking out shows courage, not weakness. You are breaking free from their control and reclaiming your voice.
My Story Told Through Symptoms
1. Emotional Numbness or Detachment:
To cope with the abuse, survivors may suppress their emotions, leading to emotional numbness, though they may continue to wear a mask of happiness.
What I Buried:
My conversation with my long-time friends is an example of emotional detachment. I described my abuse as if it were a story happening to someone else. By distancing myself, I didn’t feel the crushing devastation of abuse. The buffer reduced my shame.
2. Chronic Anxiety From Narcissistic Abuse:
Survivors often live in a state of hypervigilance, constantly anticipating the next emotional attack, but may mask their anxiety to seem calm and composed.
What I Buried:
I spent over 30 years in a relationship with a narcissist. I constantly lived on the edge, afraid of setting off a bomb. This walking on eggshells eventually turned into Complex PTSD. Being constantly prepared for a battle for survival has left me depleted and reactionary. I live in constant anxiety, waiting for “the other shoe to drop.” Through EMDR therapy, I am slowly taking back control over my life, but chronic anxiety will always be a demon I will fight.
3. Low Self-Esteem and Insecurity:
Though outwardly confident, survivors often struggle with deep insecurity, a result of constant devaluation by the narcissist.
What I Buried:
“I am worthless.”
“My friends and family think I am a burden.”
“I will never be good enough.”
These are the thoughts that run through my mind every day. Every single day, a script runs through my mind like a stock market ticker tape, scrolling through a list of my inadequacies and deficits. My abuser may have crafted the words, but the playlist is set on repeat even after I have distanced myself from him.
4. Physical Symptoms of Stress:
Stress-induced physical symptoms, like headaches, stomach issues, or fatigue, may be downplayed or hidden.
What I Buried:
Frequent headaches and fatigue morphed into autoimmune disorders. Over the years, I continued to get sicker and sicker, never understanding that the toxic environment I was living in was aggravating my symptoms. It’s amazing how much better I felt once I finally severed ties with my abuser once and for all!
5. Depression and Hopelessness:
Many hide their feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or emotional numbness, fearing that showing these emotions will make them vulnerable.
What I Buried:
Any emotion I shared with my abuser was met with ridicule. I was labeled as too dumb to see how ‘blessed’ my life was. I was told I was ungrateful for the good things provided for me. I felt like I began turning into a robotic version of myself, not able to express any feelings or dissatisfaction. This is not a healthy way to live and leads to depression and a sense of hopelessness.
How These Hidden Symptoms Manifest in Everyday Life
Do you suspect someone you know is living with abuse? They may have developed some of the following coping mechanisms to hide the damage they’ve endured.
Narcissistic Abuse Chases Perfect Perfection
One of the most common ways we mask our internal struggles is through perfectionism and overachievement. By striving for flawlessness or working excessively hard, survivors attempt to regain a sense of control in their lives.
This constant drive to succeed is often a way to compensate for the deep feelings of inadequacy instilled by the abuser. They push themselves beyond their limits, hoping to prove their worth to themselves and others, while feeling as though they can never quite measure up.
People Pleasing
People-pleasing behavior is another common response to narcissistic abuse. Survivors may become highly attuned to the needs and desires of others, suppressing their own feelings and opinions to avoid conflict or rejection.
This behavior stems from the fear of further emotional harm, so they prioritize keeping others happy over their own well-being. They might say “yes” when they really mean “no,” or consistently put others’ needs ahead of their own, all in an attempt to maintain peace and avoid the emotional chaos they experienced during the abuse.
Approval Seeking
Overcompensating for validation is a deeply ingrained pattern for many survivors. Constantly seeking approval, they may go above and beyond in their personal or professional lives, desperate for external affirmation.
This overcompensation stems from the narcissist’s constant criticism, leaving the survivor with an unrelenting need to prove their worth. Despite these efforts, survivors often feel hollow inside, as the validation they seek never truly fills the void left by the abuse.
Isolation During and Following Narcissistic Abuse
Isolation is another way survivors hide their symptoms. To avoid the risk of exposure, many withdraw from social situations, making excuses about being “too busy” or overwhelmed with work.
This isolation is often an attempt to protect themselves from further harm, as they fear being vulnerable around others. By staying disconnected, they prevent anyone from seeing the cracks beneath the surface, hiding the emotional wounds that have yet to heal.
It’s Time to Stop Hiding and Start Healing
The journey to healing from narcissistic abuse starts with taking that first brave step: acknowledging your pain and allowing yourself to seek support. Here’s how you can start shedding the weight of hiding your symptoms and move toward a place of healing and self-love:
Recognize the Need for Help Following Narcissistic Abuse
- The first and most important step is understanding that you don’t have to carry this burden alone.
- Consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery or narcissistic abuse.
- Join a support group where you can connect with others who’ve been through similar experiences. Knowing you’re not alone can be incredibly empowering.
- Confide in trusted friends or family members. Having a safe space to express yourself makes all the difference.
Even though I showed signs of dissociative behavior with Sarah and Lisa, I trusted my friends with my story of abuse. This was the beginning of my healing journey.
Embrace Vulnerability
- It’s okay to not have it all together—healing starts when you allow yourself to be vulnerable.
- Begin by opening up in environments where you feel safe, whether that’s with a therapist, a close friend, or a support group.
- Letting down your walls doesn’t make you weak—it makes you human. Every time you share your story, you take back your power.
- Remember, it’s perfectly okay to admit that you’re hurting. You’re worthy of support just as you are.
To continue healing, I had to move beyond telling my story in a monotone voice. I had to get emotional. I needed to accept my anger with tears and frustration. Reaching a point where I was vulnerable took time and hard work, but it has made a huge difference.
Rediscover YOU
Healing is a process, but every step you take toward it brings you closer to the life you deserve. You are stronger than you know, and brighter days are ahead!
Stop Burying Your Pain
It’s okay to stop hiding. In fact, acknowledging the hidden scars of narcissistic abuse is one of the bravest things you can do. The pain you’ve carried, the self-doubt you’ve battled, and the strength it’s taken to keep going—none of that defines you. What defines you is your courage to step into the light and confront the scars, even when it feels scary. By facing these wounds, you’re taking back control of your life and reclaiming the power that was taken from you.
You Are Stronger Than You Know
Remember, revealing the symptoms you’ve hidden for so long is a profound act of strength, not weakness. It takes incredible bravery to say, “I need help,” and to start the healing process. Each step you take toward addressing your pain brings you closer to the peace and freedom you deserve. You’re not just surviving anymore—you’re healing, and that is something to be incredibly proud of. The road to recovery may be long, but every moment you embrace your truth brings you closer to wholeness.
You are worthy of love, happiness, and a life free from the shadows of abuse. Your journey to healing is just beginning, and the best part? You don’t have to do it alone. You are strong, you are capable, and most importantly—you are free to start living the life you were always meant to have. It’s time to stop burying your struggles.
Visit our home page for more Lilly Strong articles.
Do you need assistance dealing with a narcissist? Read How to Respond to 25 Gaslighting Phrases.
Read all the articles in the Magnet for Narcissists series.
#1 Are You a Magnet for Narcissists: 8 Possible Reasons Why
Seeking Approval: #2 Magnet for Narcissists
Fear of Rejection: #3 Narcissist Magnet
Are You Easy to Manipulate?: #4 Narcissist Magnet
The Vulnerable Prey: Low Self-Esteem and the Narcissist’s Trap
