The Christmas season is a magical time, filled with the hustle and bustle of shoppers, the sweet melody of carols, and the radiant glow of twinkling lights. It’s a joyful feast for happy senses, celebrating love and togetherness.
But what about those of us who are hurting?
What if your heart is shattered like broken glass, and your soul pulses with a heavy wound? Can you somehow manage to enjoy the festivities of the season?
The answer is a resounding “yes.”
The path might be different, and the journey might be more challenging, but joy can still find its way into the hearts of hurting people.
Different Kinds of Hurting
Hurt wears many faces. It can be the sharp pain of losing a cherished friendship, the heavy ache of mourning the death of a loved one, the heart-wrenching experience of a marriage falling apart, or the bitter taste of a missed opportunity for career growth.
While scenarios differ, the common thread is loss.
We hurt when we lose something our hearts are deeply invested in — when circumstances beyond our control tear the fabric of our lives.
Are you one of us? Do you find yourself hurting this Christmas?
Three Christmases of Hurting
For three consecutive Christmases, I’ve faced a relentless onslaught of loss and hurt.
The saga began on Christmas Eve in 2020 when my brother passed away due to Covid. The following Christmas in 2021, I found myself grappling with the same virus that claimed my brother’s life. Simultaneously, I made the difficult decision to leave an abusive marriage, adding the weight of that trauma to my struggles.
As Christmas 2022 approached, I was in the throes of a painful divorce. And now, in the midst of Christmas 2023, my beautiful, loving mother is under Hospice care, her decline from Alzheimer’s casting a somber shadow over the holiday.
Since that fateful year in 2020, each December has been marred by unrelenting loss, leaving me with a heart heavy with hurt.
But despite the scars, the holidays still possess the power to bring joy, even to a wounded soul like mine.
Hurting and Healing
Navigating the path from hurting to healing can feel like an uphill battle, a journey filled with uncertainties and pitfalls. Some days, healing feels like an impossible task.
Yet, every day is a new chance to heal a little bit more. It’s a gradual process, a series of small victories that might go unnoticed. A little passage of time, a bit of distance from the triggers, and a growing reservoir of personal strength all contribute to the healing that occurs daily, even when it feels elusive.
Have you ever attended a candlelight celebration? One where a single candle is lit in a darkened room, and then that candle lights two more candles that light two more, etc… As the light is shared with more and more people, the glow shines brighter and brighter, casting light on the darkest corners.
Similarly, the light that shines brightly during the holiday season can be harnessed to bring joy to your wounded heart.
How Can You Help the Hurting?
Acceptance
For Those Hurting
Acceptance is the first fragile step toward healing. It’s about letting yourself be seen in your vulnerability and acknowledging that your pain is real and valid. Give yourself permission to feel without the weight of judgment.
This has always been a struggle of mine. I want to plaster on a fake smile and present a false mask to the world. This doesn’t help anyone, and certainly not me. Pretending the hurt isn’t real is counterproductive.
No, this may not be my best Christmas ever. But that doesn’t mean this season needs to be an added burden. There are small joys all around to lift me if I let them. Accepting my pain is real and acknowledging the fact that this year may be different opens me up to accept new things that may end up being fantastic.
For Those Helping a Hurting Person
Acceptance is your entry point into the world of someone in pain. Don’t rush to fix; instead, witness their struggle without judgment. See and hear them in their entirety, allowing the authenticity of their emotions to unfold.
Sometimes, a shared acknowledgment is the most outstanding comfort you can offer.
Self-Reflection
For Those Hurting
Encouraging self-reflection might feel like navigating a maze in the dark. Yet, in the quiet corners of your mind, ask yourself gentle questions.
What do you need this season?
Crank up the Christmas music and dance around your house freely. Decorate a tree with something unique this year, like seashells or pinecones you collect on a walk. Start a new tradition. Cook a new holiday treat. Try using weight for self-soothing. Find joy in the little gifts you can give to yourself.
Explore the nuances of your emotions, allowing the whispers of self-discovery to guide you. It’s not about having all the answers but uncovering the layers of your healing journey one introspective step at a time.
For Those Helping a Hurting Person
Gently prompt introspection without pushing for answers. Ask questions that invite the hurting person to explore their emotions, like a supportive guide on a journey of self-discovery. Recognize that the path to healing is unique for each individual; your role is not to provide solutions but to illuminate the way to self-understanding.
Boundaries
For Those Hurting
Establishing boundaries might seem like building walls, but in reality, it’s creating a safe space for your healing to unfold. Understand that the pace of recovery is uniquely yours, and it’s okay to communicate those limits. Setting boundaries is an act of self-care, a declaration that your well-being is a priority, especially during the busy month of December.
One thing that makes my anxiety rise like steam from a tea kettle is battling holiday traffic. Because of this, I have created a boundary for myself — I try to avoid the toxic stress of heavy traffic by leaving early, giving myself plenty of time to reach my destination, or taking an alternative route even if it is out of the way. My mental health is worth it.
Think about what boundaries can bring you joy this month. Feel free to decline an invitation or leave a noisy party early. Forego baking homemade cookies and buy them at the grocery store instead. You don’t have to be a Christmas superhero.
For Those Helping a Hurting Person
Respecting boundaries is an art in empathy. Understand that healing is a personal journey, and everyone moves at their own pace. Offer support without imposing, allowing the hurting person to express their needs.
Invite them to participate in holiday activities, but do not get your feelings hurt if they decline. Recognize that boundaries are not barriers but pathways to trust and mutual understanding.
Self-Care is Not Selfish
In the season of over-committing and over-doing, remember that self-care is not a luxury but a necessity. Embrace small acts of self-kindness as gentle rain, nurturing the seeds of recovery within you. Whether taking a quiet walk to look at Christmas lights, savoring a cup of peppermint tea or hot cocoa, or curling up by the fireplace to enjoy a warm fire, give yourself the holiday gift of self-love to continue your healing journey.
Amid holiday cheer, I can’t escape the awareness that the lights are dimmer for me and the melodies are less cheerful than in years past. Yet, there are still beautiful joys for me to delight in if I allow myself to enjoy them. I love to walk through a Christmas tree stand to smell the fresh pine needles. Heating hot apple cider on the stove fills my home with a delightful, cozy aroma. And, of course, twinkling lights always sprinkle hope on me like powdered sugar dusting French toast.
As I navigate this season, I continue traveling from hurting to healing. Through acceptance, self-reflection, boundary-making, and self-kindness, I can weave the threads of self-compassion and strength with the colors and sounds of Christmas, creating a beautiful tapestry amidst the challenges.
For more ideas, check out 6 Ways to Embrace Joy (Even in a Season of Sadness) or Feeling Drained & Weary? Dare to Recharge Today!
Learn more about Lilly Strong at lillystrong.com
