How to Know if You are the Victim of Gaslighting Abuse
Gaslighting Buzz
Gaslighting can be uncomfortable.
Do you find yourself avoiding a boss who makes you feel needlessly inferior or incompetent no matter what you do?
What about that friend who always says you’re too sensitive and emotional? Does your self-confidence take a nosedive whenever they are around?
These can be red flags of gaslighting.
With all the recent talk of this form of emotional manipulation, you may wonder: Have I ever been the victim of gaslighting?
Let’s take a look at what that means for you and what you should do about it.
What is Gaslighting?
In recent years, gaslighting has become a commonly used word. In fact, Merriam-Webster has declared it the most looked-up word for 2022. But what exactly does it mean?
According to Merriam-Webster, gaslighting is:
- Psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.
- The act or practice of grossly misleading someone especially for one’s own advantage.
Here is the most significant point you need to understand:
Gaslighting is psychological manipulation used for the perpetrator’s gain.
Where Might You See Gaslighting?
Case #1 – Gaslighting In Romantic Relationships
Case #1: Celestia was upset when she returned home after a doctor’s appointment where she discovered she had an STD. When she shared the news with her husband, Thomas, he exploded in anger and accused her of cheating on him. Knowing she hadn’t been unfaithful, Celestia was anxious about how to get Thomas to believe her.
Thomas (who was the real cheater and had been having multiple affairs) withdrew from Celestia and treated her with suspicion.
He acted hurt and wounded, insisting she was cheating on him, until he finally gave her a ‘way out’ by suggesting she had innocently picked the disease up at the community pool.
Celestia, relieved that her husband no longer thought she was straying, was happy that he had calmed down and was trusting her again. Even though she was confused by the whole situation, she was content that things were resolved.
Thomas had manipulated her with his anger and projected guilt so that he could create his own narrative–one in which he was not to blame (even though he was.)
Case #2 – Gaslighting In Work Relationships
Jared has been working towards a promotion at work. He begins to notice odd things happening around the office: some reports go missing, some deadlines get moved up without him noticing, and he even misses an important meeting because he didn’t know the time had been changed.
Jared approaches his supervisor, Maddie, and questions why he wasn’t given the proper time. Maddie claims she told him the previous morning. She reminds him it happened when they were standing by the printer after they talked about the weather forecast of rain. Her detailed memory makes Jared embarrassed that he couldn’t remember the conversation.
One day, Jared overhears Maddie telling the CEO that she is dissatisfied with Jared’s work because he has been missing meetings and not working efficiently. She then offers herself up as a better candidate for the promotion he had been wanting.
Maddie had been gaslighting Jared so that she looked like the more desirable employee for the promotion.
Case #3 – Gaslighting In Friend/Family Relationships
Ruby and her three siblings are in charge of taking care of their ailing father’s estate. One day she notices that there have been some hefty withdrawals from the account and asks her sister, Greta, about it.
Greta laughs it off and explains it away vaguely with some story about their father asking her to move some money around for him.
Abruptly, Greta changes the subject and asks Ruby how she is feeling now that she is in her second trimester of pregnancy.
Ruby, taken off-guard by the switch in conversational flow, says, “I feel so much better now than I did a couple of months ago. I do not like morning sickness!”
Greta nods sagely and replies, “I remember when I was pregnant, and I felt like I was slowly going crazy. Remember that you are a giant bundle of hormones and prone to mood swings. This is a time for you to indulge in a little pampering. And make sure you don’t make any huge life-changing decisions!”
Greta manipulates Ruby’s sense of self by making her feel she cannot trust herself. She is distracting Ruby to avoid questions about the accounts.
Case Study #4 – Gaslighting In Medicine
After suffering from chest pains for several weeks, Jackson makes the decision to go to the doctor to have his heart health evaluated.
Jackson’s doctor does a cursory examination, then quickly diagnoses his symptoms as indigestion. The doctor lectures Jackson about his obesity and tells him he needs to lose weight immediately.
When Jackson tries to provide more details about his symptoms, the doctor condescendingly tells him to stop googling medical symptoms and leave medicine to the real doctors.
This is called ‘medical gaslighting,’ and happens when a member of the medical community refuses to take a patient’s complaints seriously.
Is Gaslighting Abuse?
The simple, direct answer is: YES!
The truth is, it’s difficult to understand a gaslighter’s motives or know if they are even aware that they are gaslighting.
There is a genuine chance you may never know the answers to why they’ve done what they’ve done. And, frankly, it doesn’t matter.
Manipulating another person for personal gain is psychological abuse. Period. As a victim of this emotional abuse, you must look out for yourself.
Your abuser will never do it for you.
What Should You Watch For?
The Gaslighter Will:
- lie; blatantly or subtly
- say words that do not match their actions
- project their own guilt on you
- deny things you know to be true
- tear down your confidence, then shower you with empty praise and flattery so they look like a ‘good-guy’
- minimize your feelings by saying you are overly sensitive or dramatic
- steal your self-confidence
- not directly apologize for their actions; instead, will say things like, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
- not allow you to voice concerns or hurts without turning the blame to you
- always play the victim
You Might Feel:
- crazy or stupid
- like you are walking on eggshells
- like you are always wrong
- your memory is bad
- the need to apologize a lot
- the need to make excuses for the gaslighter
- something isn’t right, but you’re not sure what
- isolated and all alone
- guilty
- like everything is your fault
What Should You Do to Stop Gaslighting?
- You need to remove yourself from the gaslighter. You may need to break off all communication for a while, or go stay with a friend for a couple of days; but first and foremost, you need space. A gaslighter will continue to try to manipulate you if you remain in close proximity. (If you are in any danger it’s important to get help immediately.)
- You need to accept that this is not your fault. You might never know why the gaslighter has abused you, but you did not cause it. The use of abuse is never acceptable. You deserve to be treated with respect.
- Build boundaries. This is very important and often difficult. The gaslighter has stolen your sense of confidence and power. You need to make a plan to create strong, healthy boundaries, and then reinforce them. It is a good idea to write down your ideas of the boundaries you’d like to establish so you have a visual reminder.
- Get reacquainted with yourself. You’ve been slowly and methodically detached from who you really are. Now is the time to nourish your soul and nurse back to health your sense of self.
What Shouldn’t You Do?
- Don’t expect the abuser to see reason or take responsibility. People who gaslight are putting themselves above anyone else and may show signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They may not be capable of accepting blame.
- Don’t allow your abuser to help make your list of boundaries. They have already proven they only look out for themselves.
- Don’t isolate. Your abuser will likely encourage you to keep this private “for your own good.” Don’t be tempted to deal with this on your own. It’s too big and too traumatic.
- Don’t feel ashamed.
- Don’t blame yourself. Period.
How Do You Take Those Steps?
It may take time and effort, but you can heal from gaslighting abuse. The best thing you can do is get proper support.
You can get support from friends and family members you trust to protect your heart and soul. It would help to have a strong support net surrounding you to build yourself back up.
A licensed therapist will be very beneficial. That person will help keep you accountable to the boundaries you create and help you begin to heal emotionally.
You can support yourself by intentionally taking care of yourself. Read that book you’ve been putting off, pick up that hobby you always wanted to try, join a club, go for a walk, reconnect with an old favorite activity. Do something that feeds the cravings you’ve had to ignore to appease the gaslighter in your life.
How Did This Happen To Me?
As unbelievable as it seems, gaslighting sometimes happens without the victim even knowing it. Years may go by before it is noticed. It might have happened to you. In fact, if you are reading this, most likely you can relate to one or more of the signs of gaslighting.
It is not your fault.
The person who gaslights may have many different demons of their own that they are fighting, but it is never your fault. The blame has been draped on your shoulders for too long, but it shouldn’t be.
You have been the victim. And now, it’s time to take the power away from your abuser and rebuild your sense of self. It’s your time to heal!
Path & Puff
Here is the Path & Puff for today. If you wonder if you are the victim of gaslighting abuse, choose:
- To follow the path of discovery to determine if gaslighting is taking place.
- Puff – Pick your first step in following that path: make a list of the concerning happenings, confide in a friend, talk to a counselor, take a break from the abusive person.
Want to know more about my story of gaslighting abuse? Click here
