Shame can feel like a heavy, wet blanket; dampening your spirit, muffling your voice, and making it hard to move forward. Especially if the shame was never yours to carry! If you’ve been on the receiving end of emotional abuse, you may know that shame isn’t always something you “earned.” Often, it’s planted in you by someone else’s manipulation, criticism, or blame-shifting.
When that wave of unwarranted shame crashes over you, here are some things you can say to yourself to start loosening its grip:
1. “This shame is not mine to carry.”
Abusers are skilled at handing you their baggage and then acting like you packed it yourself. Saying this out loud helps you hand it back: mentally, emotionally, and energetically.
2. “My worth is not up for debate.”
When someone chips away at your self-esteem, it can make you feel like your value changes based on other people’s opinions. It doesn’t. Your worth was set the day you were born, and no one can touch it.
3. “I am allowed to make mistakes and still be lovable.”
Emotional abusers often make mistakes feel like moral failings. Remember: errors are part of being human, not evidence that you are broken or bad.
4. “Their opinion is not my truth or my shame.”
If someone twisted facts, exaggerated flaws, or used guilt to control you, you get to reject their version of the story.
5. “I will speak to myself like I would to a dear friend.”
If you wouldn’t tell your best friend, “You’re worthless,” then don’t say it to yourself. Swap the inner critic for an inner ally.
6. “I can step out of this shame spiral one breath at a time.”
When shame floods your body, your nervous system needs signals that you’re safe. Breathe slowly. Feel your feet on the ground. Let your body know it’s okay to stand tall again.
7. “I am learning, healing, and growing…and that is enough for today.”
Healing isn’t about never feeling shame again. It’s about recognizing it faster, untangling it from your identity, and remembering you are still worthy of love, respect, and joy.
A gentle reminder:
Shame thrives in silence. Saying these things out loud, even if your voice shakes, starts to break its hold. Over time, the words you speak to yourself can become the bridge between who you’ve been told you are and who you truly are.
Read more about shame and guilt in “Guilt: The Sharp Sword of Coercive Control“
Here’s more information on anxiety and depression provided by Anxiety and Depression Association of America
