Isolation is a powerful tool of coercive control. It doesn’t always look obvious—it can be moving you away from loved ones, controlling your finances, or dictating your free time and relationships. My ex-husband did all of this, leaving me feeling trapped and alone. Sharing this isn’t easy, but I hope it sheds light on the subtle ways control takes hold. If you’ve experienced this or know someone who has, remember: isolation thrives in silence, but freedom begins with connection.
The Silent Weapon: How Isolation is Used in Coercive Control
Isolation is one of the most insidious tools of coercive control, often hiding in plain sight. It doesn’t start with chains or locks but with subtle tactics that may even look like care or concern. An abuser might frame their actions as “protecting” you, but the end goal is to sever your connections and ensure you rely entirely on them.
For someone experiencing this, the isolation may feel gradual—so gradual that it can be hard to pinpoint when it started.
That’s the danger.
By the time you realize what’s happening, you may already feel trapped, dependent, and alone.
Abusers use isolation to dominate and disorient their victims, ensuring that their sense of reality, self-worth, and support system is entirely dictated by the abuser. Without external connections, it becomes nearly impossible to see the abuse clearly or find a way out.
My Personal Story: When Isolation Became My Reality
Looking back, the isolation in my marriage started almost immediately, though I didn’t recognize it at the time. My ex-husband insisted we have a ‘holy marriage’, the kind that is built on biblical statutes. As the ‘leader’ of our household, he put strict boundaries on the activities we would do together and with friends. He always knew where I was and what I was doing.
More than that, he impressed upon me that God wanted a marriage to be completely self-enclosed. I was not supposed to talk about our marriage with other people. Not my friends. Not my family. That wasn’t what God instructed.
Within a few years, my ex insisted we move to another state to live with his mother (yes, you read that right), claiming it would only be for a year or two. He said it was a practical decision, a temporary solution to save money and reset our lives. I trusted him, believing we were making decisions as a team.
That “short duration” stretched into 20 years.
In those two decades, I was far from my family, my friends, and everything familiar. At first, I told myself it was an adventure, but the truth was, I felt increasingly isolated. Phone calls to my family were rare, as he often discouraged them, claiming they didn’t really care or that they were being critical of our choices. Over time, I started to believe him.
The Subtle Sabotage of Relationships
One of the hardest parts of this kind of isolation was how it crept into every corner of my life. My husband wasn’t content to move me away from my support network—he actively worked to destroy it.
He would badmouth my friends, telling me things they supposedly said behind my back. He’d claim my family didn’t understand me or didn’t really care about me the way he did. Slowly, he drove a wedge between me and the people I loved.
When we moved to Texas, I tried to make new friends, but he insisted on knowing everyone I talked to. He would “accidentally” embarrass me in front of them or tell me they weren’t trustworthy. The result was always the same: I ended up pulling away, convinced I couldn’t maintain friendships without upsetting him.
Financial Control and a Short Leash
My financial dependence on him was another layer of the isolation. He managed all the money, and I had to ask for every dollar I spent. This wasn’t just about control—it was about making sure I couldn’t leave. Without access to finances, I felt stuck. Where could I go? How could I survive? (Read how a donut became a symbol of the financial control.)
Even my daily movements were controlled. After work, I was expected to come straight home. If I didn’t, he’d claim he was “worried” about me and start calling my workplace to ask what time I had left, but it was clear the real reason was control. He wanted to know where I was at all times, who I was talking to, and what I was doing.
Further Isolation: Denied the Tools to Heal
One of the most painful parts of this experience was being denied the help I knew I needed. When I asked to see a therapist, he refused. He said it was a waste of money or that I didn’t really need it. The underlying message was clear: he didn’t want me to have access to anyone who could help me see the truth of my situation.
He controlled not just my actions but also my thoughts about myself. Over time, I began to internalize his criticisms, believing I was incapable of making decisions or taking care of myself.
The Emotional Impact of Isolation
The isolation left me feeling small, powerless, and dependent. My confidence eroded, and I began to doubt my own instincts. The loneliness was overwhelming. I felt trapped in a world where I couldn’t reach out to anyone for fear of upsetting him or being further isolated.
That’s what makes isolation so dangerous—it chips away at your identity until you start to believe the lies the abuser tells you. You stop seeing yourself as a person with agency and instead become a reflection of what they want you to be. (Read how isolation affects mental health here.)
Recognizing Isolation as Abuse
For anyone reading this, it’s important to recognize the signs of isolation as a tool of abuse. It can take many forms, including:
- Moving you away from loved ones under the guise of practicality or necessity.
- Sabotaging relationships by badmouthing your friends or family or creating false narratives.
- Controlling your social life by insisting on knowing everyone you talk to or dictating how much time you can spend with others.
- Financial dependence that leaves you unable to make independent decisions.
- Limiting access to help by discouraging therapy or other forms of self-care.
If any of these resonate with you, it’s a sign that your partner may be using isolation to control you.
Breaking Free from Isolation
Escaping isolation is not easy, but it is possible. Here are some steps that can help:
1. Recognizing the Abuse of Isolation
- The first step is acknowledging that the isolation is intentional and abusive. This can be hard, especially if you’ve been made to feel like the abuser’s actions are for your benefit.
2. Rebuild Connections
- Start small by reaching out to someone you trust. It could be a family member, a friend, or even a support group. Connection is the antidote to isolation.
3. Seek Professional Help
- Therapy can provide invaluable support as you navigate the process of healing and regaining autonomy. If your partner won’t allow it, consider reaching out to hotlines or online resources for guidance.
4. Regain Financial Independence
- Look for ways to rebuild financial stability, whether through work, education, or community resources.
5. Set Boundaries
- Reclaim your time and space by setting small, manageable boundaries. This might mean taking time for yourself after work or finding a hobby that’s just for you.
6. Celebrate Small Wins
- Every step toward freedom, no matter how small, is a victory. Celebrate your progress and remind yourself that you deserve a life of connection and autonomy.
Moving Forward with Strength
Breaking free from isolation is a process, but it’s one that leads to incredible strength and growth. When I finally left my husband, I felt scared, but I also felt hope for the first time in years. Rebuilding my life has been challenging, but it’s also been empowering. I’ve reconnected with family and friends and discovered the joy of making decisions for myself again.
If any part of this story resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Isolation thrives in silence, but freedom begins with connection. Reach out to someone you trust, join a support group, or take that first step toward reclaiming your life. You deserve more than a life of control—you deserve to live fully and freely. 💜
Coercive Control Series:
