Do you know what coercive control is? I didn’t. In fact, it was years before I understood that I had been a victim of it.
Coercive control isn’t something that leaves visible scars, which is why it’s often so hard to identify. It’s a form of psychological and emotional abuse where one person dominates another, stripping away their freedom and sense of self.
Narcissists frequently use this form of control in their relationships, ensuring they hold the power without ever resorting to physical violence. Their tactics are subtle, but the damage is deep.
Understanding Narcissism and the Need for Control
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by:
- Lack of empathy: They cannot truly care about the needs or feelings of others.
- Grandiosity: They have an inflated sense of self-importance.
- Entitlement: They believe they are deserving of special treatment.
- Manipulation: They exploit others for their own gain.
Narcissists thrive on power and control in relationships. This hunger for control aligns perfectly with coercive control tactics. They don’t need to hit or yell to assert their dominance; they can do it quietly by undermining your self-worth, restricting your choices, and making you doubt your own reality.
A narcissist’s greatest fear is losing control, particularly over how others see them. Coercive control offers the perfect solution: they can maintain absolute dominance over their victim while keeping up appearances to the outside world, ensuring they always look respectable.
Coercive Control & Narcissism: Silent Abuse
One of the reasons narcissists rely on coercive control instead of overt physical abuse is that it allows them to keep up an illusion of normalcy. To outsiders, everything might seem fine—no bruises, no screaming. Meanwhile, the victim’s life is being slowly dismantled piece by piece.
Coercive Control Through Donuts?
I remember a time when my oldest child started kindergarten. A kind friend would invite my younger child and me to join her and her son at a local donut shop for some mom chat time and a treat. That should’ve been a simple, enjoyable outing.
But my husband had such tight control over our finances that I had no money for extras. I remember digging through my purse, hunting for change in couch cushions, just to scrape together enough coins for my child to have one donut.
It was humiliating.
When I mentioned how little money we had, my husband would turn it around on me. He’d say I was too materialistic, reminding me of how “blessed” we were.
I wasn’t asking for much—just a little treat for the kids. We didn’t go on vacations or buy expensive things. All I wanted was to give my children some small moments of joy.
And yet, I was made to feel guilty for even wanting that.
The Power Play
This is how coercive control works. It doesn’t just deprive you of money or freedom; it warps your perception of what’s reasonable. I felt like I was asking for too much, even though all I wanted was a simple donut for my child to enjoy in a fun social setting.
I had no control over the situation.
Coercive control is all about power. It’s about breaking down the victim’s independence, their confidence, and making them dependent on the abuser for everything.
Over time, the victim loses sight of their own needs and desires, replacing them with the abuser’s distorted reality. The narcissist’s goal is to strip the victim of their autonomy and keep them emotionally dependent.
Key Ways Narcissists Use Coercive Control
Narcissists deploy several key tactics to maintain coercive control over their victims, such as:
- Isolation: Narcissists often cut off their victims from friends, family, and social networks. My husband isolated me financially by controlling our money, but isolation can also be emotional or social, leaving the victim feeling entirely dependent on the narcissist.
- Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation: Narcissists are masters of twisting reality. My husband made me believe I was greedy and selfish for wanting something as simple as a little extra ‘fun’ money. By telling me I was materialistic, he shifted the blame, making me question whether I was being unreasonable.
- Micromanagement: They control every aspect of their partner’s life, from daily decisions to long-term plans. My husband controlled every area of our life. He always needed to know where I was, what I was doing; he’d control every situation.
- Financial Control: Financial abuse is a key tool of coercive control. By limiting access to money, the narcissist ensures their partner cannot leave or make independent decisions. In my case, my husband’s tight grip on our finances ensured I had no autonomy or room to escape his control. Every purchase had to get approval.
- Sexual Control: Many narcissists manipulate their partners sexually, using intimacy as a tool of power and control, either through coercion or withholding.
- Spiritual Control: Some abusers use spiritual beliefs to exert control, manipulating religious values to make the victim feel obligated or guilty for challenging the abuser’s dominance.
Coercive Control as a Narcissistic Supply Source
Narcissists use coercive control to extract what’s known as narcissistic supply. The victim’s emotional dependence feeds the narcissist’s ego, making them feel powerful and superior.
By controlling every aspect of their victim’s life, narcissists reinforce their belief in their own superiority. Each time they undermine, manipulate, or restrict their victim, they feel validated. Breaking the victim down gives them a sense of control and psychological validation.
It’s Time to Rain Donuts
After years of living with limited control over finances, I started seeing donuts as a meaningful symbol.
It’s a simple thing, a donut—hardly nutritious or substantial, yet, to me, they represent something far more.
Looking back, I realize it stems from that time when I couldn’t even gather enough spare change to buy my child a donut without feeling guilt and shame. That moment of searching for coins made me painfully aware of how little freedom I had and how my choices were restricted even for the smallest pleasures.
Validating Freedom
Now, even though donuts aren’t the healthiest option, I instinctively buy them whenever I want to celebrate a small success or make a moment feel special.
It’s as if buying donuts has become my way of validating our freedom, a subtle assurance that I’m in control of my choices and no longer confined by someone else’s limitations.
Coercive control leaves scars we don’t often recognize in the day-to-day, but they surface in the routines we create to heal. For me, the simple act of buying donuts is a reminder that my life, and my children’s lives, are truly our own now.
There Are Always Ripples of Consequences
Recognizing this connection made me see how coercive control leaves traces long after the experience ends. It wasn’t until I stepped back and examined why donuts had become my go-to treat that I saw the emotional significance behind them.
The patterns left by coercive control run deep; they can embed themselves into our choices in ways that make us question our own reasoning. But understanding these connections helps reclaim those choices, transforming what was once a symbol of constraint into one of freedom.
Why It’s Important to Recognize Coercive Control with Narcissists
Coercive control is a hallmark of narcissistic abuse. It’s often invisible to outsiders, making it difficult to recognize, and that’s precisely why it’s so dangerous. I didn’t know what was happening to me for years. It wasn’t until much later that I realized I had been a victim of coercive control. This form of abuse strips away a person’s autonomy and self-worth, leaving them completely reliant on their abuser.
Understanding coercive control and its connection to narcissism is the first step in breaking free. Over the next few articles, I’ll be delving deeper into specific tactics like isolation, emotional manipulation, micromanagement, and financial control to help others recognize and fight against this insidious form of abuse.
For more info regarding narcissistic abuse, read the “Magnet for Narcissists” series. Check out our entire library at Lillystrong.com.
