Lean Into the Sadness
Oh, the paradox of Christmas!
The season of crowds and busyness; yet you feel all alone.
Merriment and joyfulness dance in the air; but a sadness envelopes you like thick fog.
It’s a frazzled, chaotic time. Then…..the lights and decorations are taken down, the parties cease, and the music stops singing.
You feel unexpected sadness.
Let’s see what you can do to confront this unwelcomed emotion. Hint – you won’t fight it. You will lean into sadness: A cry-day is ok!
What Is Sadness?
Sadness is a natural, inevitable, and even healthy emotion. It’s the human reaction to disappointment, loss, and grief
According to the Berkley Well-Being Institute:
“Despite our constant efforts to make life perfect and pain-free, sadness will inevitably come, whether it’s from that promotion we didn’t get or a heated argument with a loved one. Everyone has a bad day sometimes, and we all feel sadness at some point in our lives.”
By Zamfira Parincu, BA, Researcher
What Does Sadness Feel Like?
“Sad” will feel different to different people. Depending on the cause of the emotion, some will experience sadness as dull and draining, while others will feel sharp physical discomfort. There is no ‘right way’ to feel sad. Your feeling is the correct feeling for you.
When allowed, sadness can be healthy and beneficial. It is the emotion that can help process disappointment, loss, and grief. But also, gratitude and acceptance sprout from sadness. This blue emotion can help you persevere and grow from some of life’s harshest moments.
Naturally, many people try to ignore their emotions or bottle them up, so they don’t have to face the discomfort. Especially during ‘inconvenient’ times.
Sadness in the Happy Times
There are certain times when you might feel it is inappropriate or inconvenient to focus on your sadness, such as during a holiday, a party, or big event.
Guess what?
That describes the whole Christmas season!
Christmas is a time of joy, right? But sometimes, that’s when we feel our grief most acutely. It’s during the happy time that we grieve the loss of a loved one, a missed opportunity, a job loss, or a fractured relationship heavily.
And to ignore your feelings, or try to stuff them away, is only going to make those emotions run unchecked until they become debilitating.
What you need to do is lean into the sadness.
How to Lean into Sadness
This phrase creates a powerful visual. Instead of backing away from your sadness, literally move in closer to them. Lean in with your body, mind, and soul. Intentionally allow yourself to process your grief even though it may be uncomfortable.
If you continue to run away from your grief, it will continue to build-up bigger and stronger until it becomes a monster inside you. A “Sad-zilla” that threatens to break you down piece by piece in the middle of a holiday meal.
So let’s figure out a healthy way to lean into the sadness.
The Source of My Sadness
I have been grieving the loss of my brother: an fantastic man and talented musician. Over the years, he played trombone in countless orchestras, symphonies, and bands. I have many recordings of his music, but one of my favorites is one of him playing solo for “I’ll Be Home For Christmas.”
The irony is this– my brother died of COVID….. on Christmas Eve, 2020.
Of course, my thoughts focus on him when Christmas begins popping out in every store in the country.
This past Christmas was just my second without him, and I found thoughts and memories would flood my mind at the worst times. You know, when I was in line at the grocery store, at a doctor’s appointment, or driving my son to school.
I’d get annoyed with myself for giving in to grief at inopportune times.
So I decided to give my sadness its own time. But I planned the time.
Cry Day
I planned a Cry Day.
Not an entire day. But I set aside a couple of hours one day that would be my own time to remember, reminisce, and grieve. I played his music and looked at old photos. Tears flowed freely down my face as I missed the times we would never share again. My sobbing began in earnest when his first few soulful notes of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” played.
A big, ugly, from-the-depths-of-my-soul cry.
It was hard and exhausting and even painful.
But also freeing and releasing and healing.
And I discovered I could face the rest of the holiday season with a little more cheerfulness and hope. Instead of bottling up my sorrow, I released it and embraced it. My body desperately needed that release, but my brain stubbornly ignored it. I think if I had continued to ignore it, I would have ended up having a big break-down.
Sadness isn’t meant to be ignored or pushed aside. It is a normal human feeling that has a purpose.
A cry day is OK!
A Cry Day is OK!
On this 3 O’clock Wednesday, I encourage you to face your feelings head-on. If there are feelings of loss lingering in your mind, if you notice yourself burying your sorrow, make a plan of action and decide to embrace your feelings. Plan a cry day to allow yourself to lean into your sadness. Let your emotions simmer in your consciousness. It is incredibly healing.
Remember the 3 O’clock Wednesday formula:
- Affirmation
- Grace
- Self-Care
Affirm that sadness is a natural, healthy emotion. Not only does everyone feel it at times, but we deserve to feel it acutely to help us process loss and grief. Your sadness is part of growing stronger.
Give yourself the grace to understand none of us are strong enough or heartless enough to muddle through life without some sad days descending on us from time to time. It is not weakness.
Plan some purposeful self-care to help you get through. Plan a cry day or a moment of remembrance. Allow yourself some time to grieve what you have lost. Your soul deserves that acknowledgment.
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