THE GIFT OF ALONENESS
Tonight I sit outside and enjoy the gift of aloneness with a sunset. It’s a sweet November evening. The air is filled with the scent of crackling fireplaces and promises of the changing seasons. I caught this sunset quite by accident. My evening walk was later than usual and I stumbled upon the indescribable view of one of nature’s most stunning creations: a blazing yellow ball of fire sinking below the horizon framed by the blue sky and billowy cotton-candy clouds.
I sit myself down and settle my gaze on the falling sunset with anticipation because I know this was the kind of organic set-up that would give me my favorite thing: ‘a color bounce’. A color bounce is what happens after the sun has dropped from view and the vibrant warm colors suddenly bounce-up into the sky to paint the underbelly of the clouds with reds, oranges and pinks. It’s just stunning.
ALONENESS
I know I need to wait a few minutes for the magic to happen. So I sit alone, with nothing to distract me but my own thoughts. I feel the weight of my phone inside my pocket and my natural instinct is to reach for it….but I consciously stop myself. I want this moment of aloneness.
Aloneness is a gift. It’s the splendid coveting of time by ourselves that nourishes our soul and soothes our spirit.
BE ABSOLUTELY ALONE
There can’t be any distractions if I want to embrace aloneness: no phones, no noises, no TV, no talking. Just me and my thoughts.
I don’t know about you, but “all about me” is my least favorite subject. I do not enjoy examining my feelings and motivations. It is easier if I try to react to the curves and obstacles on this journey through life as I encounter them.
Easier, but not healthier.
As I am healing from depression and rising from the ashes of betrayal, I have discovered that leaning into my emotions is an absolute non-negotiable. The gift of aloneness helps me do that leaning.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
My thoughts drift to a dear friend of mine who has the kindest heart despite all the loops life has thrown at her. She truly cares about others. It’s common to hear her ask, “What can I do for you? How can I pray for you?” She puts her question out on social media, in emails, and in person.
I LOVE her intentionality. She goes out of her way to try to lift-up other people when they need it. There is no judgement. No shame. Just solid care and concern.
Whenever I see her post that question, my heart fills with joy just because someone — out of the blue — really wants to know how I am feeling.
MY PROBLEM
My problem is this: I never know how to answer her. I don’t know what to ask of her because I honestly don’t know what the sum total of my feelings is since I try to ignore them most of the time. My heart is hidden from myself.
How can I take advantage of her generosity if I honestly don’t know what I need? It’s easy to think of the surface emotion I have laying discarded on top of my hearts heap of concerns…..but to really dwindle that pile I need to dig deep and discover what feelings I have stuffed down inside. I need to look at my feelings.
IGNORING MYSELF
Why is it my beautiful, selfless friend can care so much about me that she is willing to ask me what I need when I don’t even take the time to self-reflect for myself? Why, in the midst of strife and struggle, do I push down my big feelings until they disappear from view?
The answer: It’s easier.
It’s easier to ignore my complex motivations and reactions than it is to pull apart my ego, but that is what I should be doing. But it’s easy to overlook myself in order to answer texts, call friends, watch the latest documentary, or to a little online shopping.
SEEKING ALONENESS
To take full advantage of the gift of aloneness, I simply need to be alone. However, with all the distractions in this world, being alone is a situation that needs to be intentionally sought after.
Like tonight. If I hadn’t decided to wait for the color bounce, then I would have continued my walk back home. But instead, I sit quietly with my own thoughts for just a short amount of time – maybe ten minutes (I don’t really know how long because I refused to pull out my phone to look at the time!)
QUIET HEART
When I allowed my heart the time to get quiet, I then was able to lean into my feelings. Do you know what I discovered? I feel broken. I feel broken so much of the time, but I don’t know how to feel better. I am the kind of person who hides behind the pat answer of “I’m fine.” But I’m not fine; I am broken.
These are heavy emotions that should weigh down my heart like an rusty, iron anchor. But instead, giving myself the gift of aloneness to lean into my feelings lightens me. It helps me accept that my feelings are in a bad place right now…..but that won’t last forever. Acknowledging my emotions gives me HOPE that I can ease that heaviness.
COLOR BOUNCE
Within minutes, the sky is washed in cotton-candy colors. It is breathtaking! The metamorphosis is extraordinary. The light had been dying on the horizon, but it’s now thrown across the sky like a watercolor painting. I love the color bounce!
Embracing the gift of aloneness is like conjuring my own color bounce. I intentionally used alone time for self-reflection and now I am washed in colors of hope.
PATH AND PUFF
This Path and Puff assignment is wonderful. You already know the path needed: some alone time. All you need now is the slight puff of motivation to get you to that place. Promise to find yourself some alone time. Even if it’s only for five minutes; care out that time with intentionality. Go for a walk, watch a sunset, take a shower, do some meditation, work in the garden, do some gentle stretching quietly. Embrace the gift of aloneness and lean into your feelings. And if you are so lucky to have beautiful friend in your life who earnestly asks you what they can do for you, maybe you’ll have a ready answer.
To read more about PATH AND PUFF click here: https://lillystrong.com/2022/10/23/healing-from-depression-despair-path-puff/
